


[get ranboozled: wish he would’ve finished the job]

by Anonymous



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Hybrids, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BETCHA DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING, Cat Hybrid GeorgeNotFound, Cat Hybrid HBomb, Chatting & Messaging, DadSchlatt, Ender Dragon Hybrid Philza, Enderman Hybrid Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Fox Hybrid Floris | Fundy, Gen, Hybrid Alexis | Quackity, Hybrids, Magma Cube Hybrid Sapnap, Moobloom Hybrid Tubbo, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Piglin Hybrid Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Indulgent, Social Media, Texting, Wither Hybrid Wilbur, but not in the way ur expecting :eyes:, enderman hybrid niki, lol maid hbomb lets goo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28763703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: 50/50: blockedHUGE MASSIVE MAN: wait no unblock meHUGE MASSIVE MAN: unblock meHUGE MASSIVE MAN: unblock me ranboo50/50: [Image ID: A screenshot of the conversation, showing “50/50: blocked” and then 3 blocked messages.]50/50: sorry what? cant hear you50/50: its too dark in hereHUGE MASSIVE MAN: i am going to take your goddamn spleen and shove it down your throat you stupid son fo a bitchHUGE MASSIVE MAN: i am frothing with ragepisscow: can confirmpisscow: its true im the speeln//A chatfic centering mostly around Ranboo, Tubbo, and Tommy, though certainly not without other interactions!(Hybrid AU, Modern AU, Highschool AU, but still the Minecraft world. Yeah, it's wonky as all hell, but what'd you expect, it's self-indulgent baybeeeeeee!! Check the tags for who's a hybrid :) Some charcters are yet to be decided, but I'll tell you if anything changes!)
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Karl Jacobs & Sapnap, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Jschlatt & Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Niki | Nihachu & Technoblade, No Romantic Relationship(s), Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 573
Kudos: 1640
Collections: Anonymous





	1. [Fundy: I want to fight Scott S Major for making this groupchat]

**Author's Note:**

> groupchat names
> 
> miners:  
> HUGE MASSIVE MAN is Tommy  
> pisscow is Tubbo  
> 50/50 is Ranboo
> 
> sleepy bitches inc!!:  
> child is Tommy  
> actually pretty funny is Techno  
> fishfucker69 is Wilbur  
> hatstune miku is Philza
> 
> class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR:  
> traceur is Dream  
> i lika de bee is Tubbo  
> furry is Fundy  
> get ranboozled is Ranboo  
> naenaes is Karl  
> im snazzy is Sapnap  
> exiled dhmu is Tommy  
> pisses cutely is HBomb  
> ninki manjaj is Niki  
> jack maniBAH is Jack Manifold
> 
> tell me if u pick up on any styles in ppls writing!! i put a lot of thought into how each character types and made sure to keep some consistencies :)

**miners**   
_HUGE MASSIVE MAN has added pisscow._   
_HUGE MASSIVE MAN has added 50/50._   
_HUGE MASSIVE MAN has renamed the chat to miners._

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: NEW GROUP CHAT FUCK TOU!!!!!!!!!!1!

pisscow: tommy inm goingn to putn you allt he way to the end  
pisscow: PPL RNT SUPPOED 2 KNO WE CALL MOOBLOOMS PISSCIWS

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: tubbo How did you spell moobloom right and not pisscow

pisscow: FYCK YOY

50/50: this is literally the most unoriginal name i have Ever gotten in a groupchat  
50/50: its so small brain how is it possible that this is the best you could come up with

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: FUCK U RANBOOB

50/50: blocked

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: wait no unblock me  
HUGE MASSIVE MAN: unblock me  
HUGE MASSIVE MAN: unblock me ranboo

50/50: [Image ID: A screenshot of the conversation, showing “50/50: blocked” and then 3 blocked messages.]  
50/50: sorry what? cant hear you  
50/50: its too dark in here

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: i am going to take your goddamn spleen and shove it down your throat you stupid son fo a bitch  
HUGE MASSIVE MAN: i am frothing with rage

pisscow: can confirm  
pisscow: its true im the speeln

_50/50 has changed 50/50’s name to ranboo._

ranboo: only seeing tubbo’s end of this is very frightening.  
ranboo: why are spleens involved

pisscow: wacth out ranbiw  
pisscow: 1 wrong step andur slpeen is gon

ranboo: mildly afraid but also feelin confident  
ranboo: like  
ranboo: i’d rather you not come for my spleen? but if you do come at me then i can fend you off with ease yk

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck y

ranboo: ah  
ranboo: cool ! thanks.  
ranboo: :thumbsup:

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: FUICKY OU SO MUCHC RANBOO

//

**sleepy bitches inc!!**

child: TECHNNO CNA I BROOWORW YOURS COOTER

actually pretty funny: no

child: OKAY COOL  
child: RWILBUR CNAI BORROW UR HOVERBAORD

fishfucker69: yeah sure  
fishfucker69: why what are you up to

child: GOGNI TO BEAT U[P ERNABO

actually pretty funny: aw man  
actually pretty funny: ranboo was the last person in that school i held any respect for  
actually pretty funny: how unfortunate.

fishfucker69: what mild annoyance has ranboo caused you this time

hatsune miku: lol get his ass tommy

fishfucker69: phil…… no….. dont… ur not supposed to encourage him

child: HE FUCIGN BLCOEKD ME!! I AISD I WOUDL GET HIMS SOELEPLEMN SO IFMS GETTINGS HIS SPELEN

actually pretty funny: have you thought out your plan yet?

fishfucker69: god dammit  
fishfucker69: techno’s right, have you actually thought this out

child: YES IS HAVE YOU BITCH AND HOE AND DUMBASS BITH AND STUPID MOTHERCUFKING  
child: YES  
child: I HAVE A PALN  
child: I AM GOING TO BRIGN TECHNICHAN AND I CMA GOING TO SHOOT HIM WITH IOT UNTIL EHE SURRENDERS ANSD APOLGIESSDES

actually pretty funny: ...you’re gonna bring WHAT NOW

child: WIBLUER SAID IDF I C=GTO A NEW VLOG GUN EHSD BREAK IT AGAIN  
child: SO I DECIDED TO CAL IT NOT A VLOG GUN  
child: BUT TEFCHNOCHAN  
child: WIBLUR THOGIHT IT WAS FUNYN SO HE LET ME KLEEP IT

fishfucker69: lol

hatsune miku: hey techno  
hatsune miku: wil’s in his bedroom atm  
hatsune miku: gl

fishfucker69: FFS PHILZA MINECRAFT  
fishfucker69: I TRUSTED YOU???

hatsune miku: bad call wilbur soot

child: OKAYS I HAVE THE HOBERBOARD GOODBYE GOOD LICUK WILBUR DONT DIE

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

traceur: @everyone debate class meeting thursday this week, teach gave us free reign and said we can use whatever teams and topics we’d like, anyone down for integrating the smp shit into class? it would be kinda funny imo  
traceur: react with some kinda emoji if uve read this, gotta make sure everyone knows

i lika de bee: o very much yes  
i lika de bee: tat soudns very swag

furry: Tubbo, I love you, but please never ever Ever say swag again  
furry: WHO FUCKING

_furry has changed furry’s name to Fundy._

Fundy: EVERY GODDAMN TIME.  
Fundy: But anyways. Yes I like that idea Dream

jack maniBAH: debate teacher watching with a mix of fear and awe as tommy and tubbo break down in the middle of class over their disc thing lmfao

i lika de bee: taht would be veyr funny but i thhink we have to kee it poletical

traceur: nah she said we could debate over literally anything so long as it was an actual debate abt a topic we care about

i lika de bee: OH POG

traceur: speaking of discs  
traceur: where’s tommy???  
traceur: @exiled dhmu

i lika de bee: o srry dre  
i lika de bee: hes out murdeirng ranboo  
i lika de bee: give him lik an hour he;ll be here

traceur: huh.  
traceur: fun!  
traceur: who else is missing…

pisses cutely: IM HERE AND I THINK THAT IDEA IS VERY POG AS WELL

traceur: ayyy hbomb

Fundy: bye lol

pisses cutely: D:

ninki manjaj: I’m here as well!!

pisses cutely: NIKI!!!!

i lika de bee: NIKI

ninki manjaj: H!! Tubbo!! Hi!! <3

Fundy: IM BACK HI NIKI

ninki manjaj: Hello Fundy!! :D

im snazzy: AYY GUESS WHO JUST WOKE UP!!

naenaes: me actually

im snazzy: KARL MY BELOVED

naenaes: SAPNAP MY BELOVED

get ranboozled: ranboo my beloved

i lika de bee: RANBOO UR ALIVE

get ranboozled: barely  
get ranboozled: wish he would’ve finished the job

ninki manjaj: Ranboo :( Are you okay?

get ranboozled: lol yeah just in massive amounts of pain  
get ranboozled: surprisingly not inflicted by a gremlin child on a hoverboard with a gun(??)  
get ranboozled: tommy was shooting it at me and i ad been avoiding them thus far but on the last one i kinda missed and slipped into the wet grass and ended up with some dew on my wrists and face LOL  
get ranboozled: tommy’s hangin with me tho!! :)  
get ranboozled: [Image ID: Ranboo is doing a peace sign at the camera, Endermen jaw causing his smile to quite literally split his face in half. Tommy is sitting beside him to his left, holding the hand doing the peace sign by the sleeve and talking about something. He looks disgruntled and a little concerned.]

naenaes: i think thats the most ive ever seen you type mr. boo  
naenaes: wack

get ranboozled: yes i do tend to ramble when im suffering

ninki manjaj: Do you want me to come get you?? I know it’s not late yet, but if you’re hurt, I won’t mind closing down early to come help!!

get ranboozled: no no it’s fine!! it’s chill niki  
get ranboozled: turns out tommy is absolutely massive brain when it comes to hybrid stuff??? which is spooky since he’s. yknow. a human.  
get ranboozled: he says he “just read a lot of books on hybrids” but even I didn’t know that my saliva appARENTLY HAS HEALING PROPERTIES TO WATERBURNS  
get ranboozled: its NUTS

ninki manjaj: Wait what?????

traceur: HUH

get ranboozled: YEAH  
get ranboozled: HE SAYS PHILZA TAUGHT HIM THAT ACTUALLY  
get ranboozled: WHICH RAISES EVEN MORE QUESTIONS THAN IT ANSWERS

naenaes: what the honk

pisses cutely: WHAT THE HONK INDEED KARL, WELL SAID

get ranboozled: LIKE?? WHAT ENDER HYBRID SAT DOWN AND JUST SPIT ON THEIR WATERBURNS LOL

exiled dhmu: SHUT THE FUCK UP RANBOO  
exiled dhmu: I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HYPIXEL BITCH

get ranboozled: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THIS??

exiled dhmu: ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE ON HYPIXEL????

get ranboozled: HELLO?? AMNESIAC???? DID U FORGET???  
get ranboozled: THATS MY JOB

exiled dhmu: WHAT THFDFTUF UIKCIK

naenaes: LMAOSDFIOSDF

Fundy: God I hate it here  
Fundy: I want to fight Scott S Major for making this groupchat

tracuer: lets go fight him togethr babe <333

Fundy: togethr

exiled dhmu: togethr

get ranboozled: togethr

i lika de bee: togethr

pisses cutely: togethr

naenaes: TOGETHR

im snazzy: togethr

ninki majaj: ...togethr

tracuer: EVEN NIKI???  
tracuer: FUCK OFFFFFFF  
tracuer: CATCH ME IN THE PIT W/ THE PRINCIPAL UST U DUMBFUCKS WAIT

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

gogmeister: togethr

naenaes: george its 9 pm

gogmeister: i just woke up

naenaes: george

gogmeister: hey karl

naenaes: george…

gogmesiter: lol hi

naenaes: .  
naenaes: im done goodnight george

gogmeister: but its only 9 pm  
gogmeister: karl  
gogmeister: karl come back  
gogmeister: KARL


	2. [pisses cutely: ranboo what the fuck]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do not plan out these chapters beforehand and it is very very obvious. if u have any ideas for plot points then tell me so im not stumbling from one idea to another constantly LMAO
> 
> new names  
> \---  
> class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR:  
> Depression. = Wilbur  
> immortal question mark? = Techno

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

get ranboozled: hey do you two wanna do 3v debate on thursday about our roleplay loyalties

tracuer: What

get ranboozled: oh whoops  
get ranboozled: that was directed to tommy and tubbo but i’m too lazy to delete it so i’ll just @ them  
get ranboozled: @exiled dhmu @i lika de be

Depression.: are u all seriously still doing that roleplay thing from last year??

exiled dhmu: YES WE ARE WILBUR  
exiled dhmu: YOURE CANONICALLY DEAD YOUR OPINION IS INVALID

Depression.: i have yet to voice an opinion on the matter  
Depression.: anywho. cringe

immortal question mark?: cringe

get ranboozled: ok technoblade you totally have the rights to call us cringe even though you still roleplay with us :thumbsup:

immortal question mark?: RANBOO I TRUSTED YOU  
immortal question mark?: WILBUR DIDN’T KNOW

Depression.: TECHNO U STILL ROLEPLAY WITH THE CHILDREN????  
Depression.: BRO.

immortal question mark?: WILBUR YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, THEY WORSHIP ME THERE  
immortal question mark?: I CAN GET WHATEVER I WANT FROM THEM IF I JUST SAY I WON’T OBLITERATE THEM NEXT TIME WE RP  
immortal question mark?: JACK MANIFOLD GAVE ME A VISA GIFT CARD FOR 100 BUCKS SO THAT HE WASN’T CANONICALLY DEAD EVEN THOUGH HE’S LOST ALL THREE LIVES

Depression.: wait wtf really  
Depression.: @jack maniBAH is this true

jack maniBAH: its true can confirm  
jack maniBAH: parents were not happy to hear i had given a man out of highschool 100 dollars. lots of questions. i still wonder if it was truly worth it

Depression.: …  
Depression.: i want a 100 dollars for roleplaying  
Depression.: ive been doing this shit for free this whole time i am fucking FUMING

immortal question mark?: lol  
immortal question mark?: anywho  
immortal question mark?: @get ranboozled watch your back for the next week. i’ll strike soon.

get ranboozled: okay technoblade :thumbsup:

immortal question mark?: don’t you dare mock me, this is a serious threat

get ranboozled: okay technoblade :thumbsup:

immortal question mark?: i am 70% water ranboo, i am stronger than you

get ranboozled: okay technoblade :thumbsup:  
get ranboozled: i can just throw one of those wrapped chocolate coins on the ground and you’ll leave me alone lol

immortal question mark?: RANBOO YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES LEFT TO LIVE

get ranboozled: okay technoblade :thumbsup:

jack maniBAH: rest in fucking peace ranboo

Depression.: L

jack maniBAH: L

get ranboozled: L

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

i lika de bee: ranboo :((  
i lika de bee: we were suposed to go to nikis bakry l8er :((

exiled dhmu: wait what happened to ranboob

i lika de bee: werent u??? here???/?

exiled dhmu: no i was doing my homework like a BIG MAN

Depression.: no he wasn’t he was bugging dadza lmao

exiled dhmu: WILBUR U BICTH!!

Depression: yeah maybe :blue_heart:

i lika de bee: lol  
i lika de bee: yeh tommy rabnoo’s ded  
i lika de bee: scrol up

exiled dhmu: IM TOO LAZY FOR THIS

exiled dhmu: oh shit ranboo’s DEAD dead huh

Depression.: it was kinda funny though  
Depression.: he’s a lot bolder online than he is irl isn’t he

exiled dhmu: UR TELLING ME???  
exiled dhmu: HE OWES ME LIKE 50 DOLLARS AT THIS POINT N EVERY TIME ISA K ABOUT IT OVER TXET HE TELLSD ME HE FORGOT  
exiled dhmu: BTU THWN I ASK HJM IRL AND HE SAYD “OH EYSH SURE JSUT GIVE ME A FEW DAYS”  
exiled dhmu: BITC H ITS BENE E3 MOTNHS  
exiled dhmu: uh oh dadza is approachi

get ranboozled: get ranboozled

i lika de bee: RANBOO

get ranboozled: yes its me, ranboo the beloved  
get ranboozled: currently evading technoblade like an absolute god  
get ranboozled: it seems that in his rage he has forgotten that i can. yknow. teleport.

Depression.: and u can control it??

get ranboozled: lol mostly  
get ranboozled: sometimes i end up in the completely wrong spot but for the most part i have some relative accuracy

Depression.: you lucky bastard  
Depression: how come ranboo gets all the cool hybrid powers while im over here stuck with obsessive tunnel vision and a love of the number 3  
Depression.: and also murder i guess

get ranboozled: hah

i lika de bee: lol i hve bees inmy hari

get ranboozled: that is arguably cooler than no eyelids

i lika de bee: th  
i lika de bee: than what now

Depression.: ranboo you what

get ranboozled: did i never tell you???  
get ranboozled: i don’t have eyelids  
get ranboozled: i’m like a lizard  
get ranboozled: rawr

pisses cutely: DID SOMEONE CALL MY NAME

Depression.: no not in the slightest

pisses cutely: but someone said rawr :(  
pisses cutely: .  
pisses cutely: ranboo what the fuck

get ranboozled: :heart: :green_heart:  
get ranboozled: when i was a kid i would sneak out at night and find shady groups of people and bet money on being able to win staring contests  
get ranboozled: honestly been thinking about taking it up again, it’s good for making a quick buck

Depression.: nobody let schlatt know about this  
Depression.: we might end up with ranboo getting fostered by that fucker

get ranboozled: ..i mean.. it would mean that i could at least stay here in lmanberg for a while longer wouldnt it??  
get ranboozled: arent there tax benefits and shit from fostering as well  
get ranboozled: hey thats not a half bad idea thanks wilbur

Depression.: NO

//

**Private DMs**   
**wilbur soot — > Ranboo**

wilbur soot: ranboo no

Ranboo: lol (ignores you cutely)

wilbur soot: RANBOO I WAS JOKING

Ranboo: so was i  
Ranboo: kind of :)

wilbur soot: KIND OF???

Ranboo: bye wilbur i gtg, class is starting again soon

wilbur soot: RANBOO IT IS 11 PM AT NIGHT ON A SATURDAY  
wilbur soot: RANBOO

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

immortal question mark?: @get ranboozled dude where the hell did you go  
immortal question mark?: don’t make me start technoplaning

get ranboozled: i’m actually extremely curious as to what technoplaning is, please, go for it

immortal question mark?: i hate you so much  
immortal question mark?: my blood is boiling  
immortal question mark?: you will be wiped from this plane of existence

get ranboozled: okay technoblade :thumbsup:

immortal question mark?: ..hm.

get ranboozled: ?

immortal question mark?: @traceur  
immortal question mark?: rivalry ended up dream, now ranboo is my new arch-nemesis  
immortal question mark?: if you want your spot back, come help me find ranboo

get ranboozled: oh no lol  
get ranboozled: im dead

immortal question mark?: SO YOURE SCARED OF DREAM BUT NOT ME??

get ranboozled: well yeah  
get ranboozled: i haven’t ever been inside of dream’s house. i’ve been inside of yours and i have seen you walking around with a big fuzzy blanket over your shoulders  
get ranboozled: while i cant judge for that, it certainly does dull down the intimidation factor

immortal question mark?: i  
immortal question mark?: since when have you been inside of my house.

get ranboozled: tommy said he left his jacket there and he was getting cold so i just. yk. vwooped on over there and grabbed it.  
get ranboozled: you were making yourself lunch it smelled very nice

immortal question mark?: bruhh  
immortal question mark?: maybe i need you on my side instead of against me

get ranboozled: maybe, maybe, maybe…  
get ranboozled: it would come with a price, though.

immortal question mark?: that being?

get ranboozled: 25 dollars and also go buy me some kfc and bring it back to where you last were chasing me

immortal question mark?: i hate you so much  
immortal question mark?: but that’s also not a bad deal  
immortal quetion mark?: how do i know you won’t betray me

get ranboozled: my rp persona is based off myself, i too choose people over places or previous grudges.  
get ranboozled: if you can show me that you won’t hurt me or someone i care about in a serious way, then you’ll have my loyalty forever. i may have emotional trauma attached to myself involving long term relationships of any kind, but i promise you that i would not betray you if given reasoning to. even if someone offered me a superior deal than what you do, i would stick by you, so long as you haven’t treated me poorly. you were there first and i, therefore, care more about you than objects or money or more friends.

immortal question mark?: that was way too deep for some kfc and 25 bucks

get ranboozled: this is about the alliance technoblade. you want me on your side

immortal question mark?: that i do. you have proven your worth, young one. if you would like, i will drive you to the kfc and we can discuss this in further detail.

get ranboozled: heck ye

immortal question mark?: DID YOU JUST JUMP ONTO THE ROOF OF MY CAR

get ranboozled: YES I DID  
get ranboozled: NOW. MY KFC.

immortal question mark?: i cannot tell if this was a good idea or not

get ranboozled: lol youre stuck with me now, im never leaving

immortal question mark?: yayy.  
immortal question mark?: now get in the car dumbass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got out of hand
> 
> i need to focus on a character thats not ranboo... hmm. hm. hmmmmmmmmmmmngmgh hm.
> 
> if anyones actually interested in that v niche dadschlatt + ranboo storyline then i will probably do it, but i dont wanna do it and have nobody like it lol :dancer:


	3. [hatsune miku: where is my boy. where is my pig son where did he Go]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am speed uploading lol maybe i Shouldnt  
> but at the same time  
> call me connoreatspants because i am SPEEDRUNNING. cue the trance music for racing game 
> 
> new names:  
> guns cock = Jschlatt  
> whips = Quackity  
> quackity and karl match :) whip and naenae

**miners**

ranboo: tommy, tubbo, neither of u answered me on the debate class question lmao

pisscow: wht was the question agan

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: ^

ranboo: do you two wanna do a debate about loyalty for debate class. teach said we can do whatever topic we want so long as we care about it so i feel like doing something based on our rps like dream said would be both easy and fun

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: TRUE

pisscow: im down :)

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: YES WHAT TUBBO SAID

ranboo: big pog  
ranboo: oh technoblade’s telling me to get off my phone lol.  
ranboo: “youll get carsick” he says. little does he know i can’t get sick at all.

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: wait really

ranboo: oh no im just making things up at this point  
ranboo: i actually get carsick very easily i should leave now goodbye

pisscow: lol

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: NERD!! IMAGINE GETTING CARSICK!! COULDNT BE ME

pisscow: tommy u cryed when i wouldnt let u haev the windowe sezt in the car yestrday

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: SHUT UP TUBBO U STUPID SON OF A BITCH  
HUGE MASSIVE MAN: TOMMYINNIT NEVER CRIES

pisscow: oh wuld u look at that  
pisscow: henries dangleng out the window

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: NO

pisscow: [Image ID: A brown plushie cow is behind held out of a window on the second floor of a house. The top of the trees is visible behind the cow, as is the very muddy ground. A hand with golden flowers dotting the back of it is holding the plushie by the foot.]  
pisscow: shure would b a shame

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: OKAY I GET IT TUBBO BIG MAN TMOMMY CREIS A LTO  
HUGE MASSIVE MAN: NOW STPO THAT  
HUGE MASSIVE MAN: I TRUST U EWITH HERNY STOP BEAKIGN THAT RUEST

pisscow: lol

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

whips: ranboo woke up today and chose violence

exiled dhmu: ALL OF MY FRIENDS R BETRAYING ME TODAY I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN

whips: all of them huh  
whips: whatd they do big T

exiled dhmu: TUBBO WAS SO SO CRUEL  
exiled dhmu: ID MAKE A “FRIENDSHIP ENDED WITH TUBBO ___ IS MY NEW BEST FRIEND” JOKE BUT I DONT HAVE ANYONE TO FILL IN THE BLANK

whips: what about me Tomathy

exiled dhmu: youre subpoena’s fiance thats inexcusable  
exiled dhmu: LFKEJRSFUHD??  
exiled dhmu: I TYPED?? SAPNAP??? THE FUCK IS A SUBPOENA

whips: LMFAO  
whips: ill google it dont u worry my guy

exiled dhmu: telling me not to worry makes me worry a whole lot Big Q idk what youw ere expecting rfrom that

whips: “A subpoena or witness summons is a writ issued by a government agency, most often a court, to compel testimony by a witness or production of evidence under a penalty for failure.”  
whips: im engaged to a legal document :heart_eyes:

exiled dhmu: THOSE ARE A LOT OF WORDS THAT MY BRAIN CANNOT UNDERSTAND THEREFORE I WILL ASSUME IT IS AN INSULT  
exiled dhmu: THANKS BIG Q

whips: no problem

exiled dhmu: o goddammit philza minecraft is asking me to help with something  
exiled dhmu: brb big q

whips: wait what  
whips: like  
whips: like the philza minecraft??  
whips: tommy????  
whips: HELLO???? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???  
whips: TOMMY

//

**sleepy bitches inc!!**

hatsune miku: tomathy  
hatsune miku: tommy  
hatsune miku: tommyyyyyy  
hatsune miku: TOMMY  
hatsune miku: @child TOMATHY WHEREFORE ART THOU

child: HM  
child: WHAT DO U NEED FATHERPERSON

hatsune miku: where is my son

child: which son  
child: there are a lot of us  
child: you have a problem philza minecraft

hatsune miku: the pink one

child: ah yes the favorite

hatsune miku: TOMATHY

child: PHILZA MINECRAFT  
child: techno’s at kfc

hatsune miku: ...what  
hatsune miku: there are no kfcs here

child: wait deadass???  
child: FR FR??

hatsune miku: fr fr  
hatsune miku: where is my boy. where is my pig son where did he Go

child: HE SAID HE WAS TAKING RANBOO TO KFC IM FUCKIN  
child: [Image ID: A screenshot of the end of the alliance conversation between Ranboo and Technoblade.]

hatsune miku: i’m…  
hatsune miku: there aren’t any kfcs within 30 miles of us where did he go

child: WHY ARE U ASKING ME  
child: IM JUST THE MESSENGER PHILZA MINECRAFT DO NOT SHOOT ME

hatsune miku: i am calling my boy my son my little man

child: good luck with that father minecraft

hatsune miku: i hate when you’re right  
hatsune miku: he did not pick up  
hatsune miku: where is He

child: I WILL CALL MEMORY BOY

hatsune miku: do it

child: memory boy has said that he is busy discussing his newfound alliance with the blade but he will tell him to pick up the phone if you call again

hatsune miku: thank you tomathy :)

child: you are welcome philza minecraft

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

guns cock: I have arisen from my slumber.

exiled dhmu: go back to sleep u piece of shit

guns cock: Make me, pussy.  
guns cock: Time to check my Discord indirects.  
guns cock: Control+F+Schlatt.

exiled dhmu: uh oh

guns cock: …  
guns cock: Tax benefits from fostering, you say…?

exiled dhmu: NOPE U CANNOT HAVE RANBOO U CANTO TKAEK HIM!!! RNABOO IS GOOD AND PRUE AND I FERFUUSE TO LET YOUS CORRUPT HTISJFM

guns cock: Sucks to be you, I guess.  
guns cock: Hey @get ranboozled, you had me at tax benefits.

get ranboozled: hm? :)  
get ranboozled: i cant discuss it with you atm because im currently trying to convince technoblade that yoshi is the best mario character but afterwards im down to talk

guns cock: Nice.

exiled dhmu: RANOBO PELASE  
exiled dhmu: NOT JSCHLATT

get ranboozled: but tommy  
get ranboozled: it would be funny

guns cock: It would be extremely funny.

immortal question mark?: vouch  
immortal question mark?: okay i vouched ranboo will you PLEASE not text these fuckers while we’re discussing our alliance

get ranboozled: lol okay technoblade :thumbsup:

immortal question mark?: so so much regret only regret nothing but regret  
immortal question mark?: i hate it here

get ranboozled: okay technoblade :thumbsup:

guns cock: Are they gone?  
guns cock: Yeah, they’re gone.  
guns cock: I like that Ranboo kid. Balls of steel.

exiled dhmu: going dark  
exiled dhmu: you shoulda seen ranboo earlier, i think he’s said “okay technoblade :thumbsup:” more times than he’s spoken to me in class, it’s mental

guns cock: God, you’re British. Who says mental anymore?

exiled dhmu: FUCK YOU

guns cock: Okay TommyInnit :thumbsup:

exiled dhmu: IM LEAVIN G GOODBSEU FUCK YIU FUCK YOU FUCKOUYO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why does this fic have more words than most of my actual-effort fics lol :dancer:
> 
> leave a comment if ur snazzy
> 
> (next chapter might be an irl writing of the kfc meeting if anyone down for that)


	4. “Okay, Technoblade.”  “Yeah, I walked right into that one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i dont think this is actually very good (aside from the end, i like the ending) but its Done and thats what matters... now i can Move On :)
> 
> my search history is now plagued with so many kfc-related questions. "how long is kfc open for" "does kfc have coke or pepsi products" "whats the water on the side of a drink called" "condensation on a glass"
> 
> about double the usual chapter length, but given that the other chapters are only about 1.1k words, it's not too long.

The drive to the KFC had been mostly silent, only punctured once by Techno telling Ranboo to put his phone down lest he get car sick. Inside of the building, however, is a completely different story.

“God, I don’t even _like_ KFC, why did I agree to this again?” Techno whispers under his breath. Ranboo, bouncing on the balls of his feet, replies, “Because I’m just so swag that you needed an alliance with me.”

“Uh-huh,” Techno says, “Swag. Sure. We’ll go with that.”

Shrugging, Ranboo casts a look over his shoulder to stare at the bridge of Techno’s nose. “You could’ve suggested somewhere else, KFC was just the first place that came to mind.”

“Really? Are you _sure_ this wasn’t just some elaborate scheme to waste all my gas and then strand me out here to kill me? We had to drive 35 miles out of town to get here, kid, I find it hard to believe it was the first place you thought of.”

Ranboo shrugged again and glanced back up at the menu TVs. He’s sure there’s a better word for them, maybe a specific name, but ‘menu TV’ is all that comes to mind. “It might’ve been a scheme at first, I’m really not sure. Don’t remember at this point.” He cracks a grin and continues talking before Techno can comment on that. “Do you wanna share some popcorn chicken? That would be pretty cool swag poggers, in my professional opinion.”

There’s a low, disappointed groan, and then, “Please, never say the phrase ‘cool swag poggers’ in my presence again. The cringe brought me actual, physical pain.”

“Okay, Technoblade,” Ranboo says, shooting him a thumbs up. Techno’s quiet for long enough that Ranboo thinks he’s messed up, but when he turns around to apologize, Techno’s got a small smile on his face that shows the sharp upper canines Ranboo’s never seen before. “We’re not gonna share. I don’t think one container of popcorn chicken is gonna be a sufficient dinner for the both of us. You can have your own, kid.”

There’s a beat where Ranboo opens his mouth to protest, but Techno cuts him off, a knowing look in his eyes. “You can have your own so long as you give me some of the potato wedges, how about that?”

“Deal.”

//

The table’s sticky, the booth seats are torn up and tough, and Ranboo is frowning at his drink.

“Mr. Blade, I did not think this through,” He announces, interrupting Techno, who has half of a potato wedge sticking out of his mouth.

“Heh?”

Ranboo gestures to the condensation that’s gathered on the side of the drink, then gestures to the Enderman side of his body. “The drink’s wet and I forgot my gloves. Can I go grab some napkins? Like… Like, a lot of napkins.”

Techno snorts and almost chokes on his potato wedge. After a moment spent trying not to choke, he clears his throat and says, “You don’t have to ask to go get _napkins,_ Ranboo, you can just go get some. Or, better yet, I can run out into my car and grab you some gloves. There should still be some in the glove compartment, ironically.”

Ranboo flushes and squirms a bit on the booth seat. “It’s fine, I can just get the napkins-”

“What happens when the napkins soak through? They aren’t exactly known as the most reliable things on the planet, Ranboo.”

“Uh… More napkins?”

Techno shakes his head, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards. “I’ll go grab the gloves, just sit here and eat your payment KFC.”

Ranboo nods too many times to be normal. He watches Techno leave and doesn’t look away while the hybrid opens the passenger side door to get into the glove compartment- He only turns back to his food and takes a hesitant bite when Techno starts walking back, trying to make it look like he wasn’t staring.

“Here,” Techno says after the bell over the door’s stopped jingling, “They’re fuzzy, which is very unfortunate, but they’re all I had in there.”

“...Thanks,” Ranboo squeaks out. He hurries to put the gloves on and take a long sip of his drink, which he quickly regrets, putting the drink down and coughing a few times. “I forgot KFC has Pepsi products,” He croaks, “I was expecting Coca-Cola.”

Techno barks out a laugh. “Everybody point and laugh at memory boy,” He says. The KFC is empty, aside from him, Ranboo, and the few employees. It’s 9 PM.

“Everybody does that!” Ranboo protests.

“I have never made such a mistake,” Techno says. He then takes a sip of his drink and freezes. “...It seems the gods have smited me. I apologise, memory boy.”

“Everybody point and laugh at pig boy,” Ranboo mimicks, half-heartedly pointing a finger at Techno, “Karma herself has come down to teach him a lesson.”

“Har-har.”

//

The rest of the meal manages to pass by quietly, up until the end, when Techno points out, “We haven’t actually discussed this alliance.”

“Oh, right,” Ranboo mumbles, wiping the gloves on his pants to get rid of the water droplets that have attached themselves to the fuzz, “Alliance. Yes. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think you were serious about that.”

Techno raises a skeptical eyebrow. “...I gave you money, Ranboo, I’m deadly serious.”

“Oh, uh- Okay. Hm. Uh- Hm.”

Techno gives a laugh that’s really more of a sharp exhale. “You can relax, Ranboo, it’s not like anyone’s gonna come in and interrupt us, we can talk this out like normal pe- ...people. Goddammit.”

Ranboo whips around to follow Techno’s gave over his shoulder. The bell over the door jingles and, lo and behold, Dream is standing in the doorway, a paper plate over his face with a scribbled on smiley.

“Ranboo!” Dream calls, holding the door open, “Come duel me for the rivalryship of Technoblade!”

“We’re allies now, actually!” Techno yells back, cupping one hand around his mouth, “Go home, Dream! Oh, wait, y-!”

“ _OkaybyeTechnoandRanboo!_ ” Dream says, slamming the door shut. He stands outside of it, staring inside for a moment longer, before he turns on his heel and disappears. Ranboo’s not entirely sure where he went.

“Hah.”

“...So what was that about nobody coming in to interrupt?”

“Shut up, memory boy.”

“Okay, Technoblade.”

“Yeah, I walked right into that one.”

//

“And you’re sure the people you’re staying with won’t mind me taking you home with me?”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Ranboo replies with a wave of his gloved hand, “They don’t really notice much of anything in that house. I’m pretty sure that the only reason I’ve managed to stay here this long is that they forgot I was there, hah.”

There’s a moment of awkward silence that’s broken by Techno putting the keys in the ignition. Ranboo clears his throat and stares out the windshield. There’s a streetlamp with a broken bulb a little ways down the street. Hm.

“...If Schlatt doesn’t act on that joke about taking you in, I might just bug Phil into doin’ it,” Techno rumbles as they pull out of the KFC parking lot and onto the empty main road.

Ranboo chuckles a bit, seeing how many lights he can count zooming past until he loses track. Given that he doesn’t blink, the numbers are getting quite high. “Can you imagine? Me, getting fostered by a friend just so I can stay in town? That would be living the _dream_.” Ah, he’s lost count. Starting over. One, two, three, four, five...

“Meh. I think it’s possible he’s actually considering it.”

Ranboo makes a warbling noise of disagreement. Techno shoots him an unreadable look, but it doesn’t feel judgemental. “No, seriously. Schlatt cares a lot about his friends, deep, deep, deep… _deep_ down.” He snorts at his own joke. “He offered to take care of Tubbo, a while back. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that he was still in highschool. He fought for a while, but the law eventually found out. It was over pretty quickly on that end, but Schlatt was upset over it for _weeks_.”

Techno pauses to glance over at Ranboo. The two hold eye contact for a heartbeat before Techno glances back at the road, a faint smile on his lips. “I have no doubt that he’ll like you when he inevitably gets to know you, and after that there’s a high chance he’ll try and sign up for the foster system just to get a hold of you. He’s weird like that.

“You deserve a chance to stay here in L’manberg, Ranboo. You deserve people who’ll take care of you, you deserve people who’ll want to take care of you. I know I already do, as does Phil, as does Wilbur, as does Tubbo, as does Tommy, as does Niki, as does _everybody_. You’re a really, really good kid. Hell, even if you weren’t a good kid, we’d all still adore you. I sure wasn’t, but look at me now, still a piece of shit and still with a family who puts up with me. You can join in on that if you’d like. You just gotta let us do it. Relax a little bit, let yourself live. This place isn’t going anywhere. Neither are you.”

102 lights. Ranboo wipes at the tears in his eyes and pretends that they’re just from looking at the brightness for too long.

There’s a new note in his notes app, a few minutes later. _Good day today. I’m now friends with Technoblade, I think. He took me to KFC and gave me 25 dollars after I made fun of him. Dream was there. There were jokes made about Schlatt fostering me so that I wouldn’t have to leave L’manberg until I’m 18 and can take care of myself. Techno said that they don’t have to stay jokes. I think it’s an appealing idea. We’re going to Techno’s house now. It’s late and he didn’t want me going home alone._

//

Techno’s apartment is nice. There’s a maroon corduroy couch in the center of the carpet living room, a dark oak coffee table, a TV, a single netherwart bush in the corner in a pot, and a strange man doing a puzzle at the aforementioned coffee table.

“...Uh?” Is all Ranboo can think to say.

“That’s Edward,” Techno says, “He’s my roommate. Edward, this is Ranboo. He’s an Enderman hybrid.”

Ranboo, startled that Techno would just drop that as an introduction, straightens up a bit. There’s a trill that, for a second, he thinks came from him, but after a moment’s thought, he decides, _No, I didn’t do that._ He glances up at Edward again and _wow, that explains it_ , because he’s staring at a real-life whole Enderman doing a puzzle on a corduroy couch in Technoblade’s living room. Wow. Wow, okay, wow.

“Wow.”

“A̵̛̘͉͉͌̾͐̎ ̴̜͙͍͈̽̀͘f̴̳̯̯̓̂̐̾r̴̮̻͚̰̓͆̊͘ị̸͇̲̟̇̒͑ĕ̷̻̓͆̒̂n̸͎̲̘̈́̉̔d̷̠̜́!̶̝̜͓̉̑̈ͅ” Edward chirps, dropping his puzzle piece onto the table in his excitement. Ranboo can feel his gaze on his hands, so he gives the Enderman the same courtesy; Watch the hands. It’s only polite.

“Uhm.. Hi.” He waves a little bit and then clears his throat. God, he’s so awkward. Help.

“Is it cool if Ranboo stays here tonight? We lost track of time and I didn’t want him going home by himself so I invited him over, I figured you wouldn’t mind, but it’s better safe than sorry.”

“Ì̷̧̩̥̯̕̚ ̶̦͓̉͘͜ͅͅd̸̪̞͚̔̐́́o̸̼͔͑̆ṉ̶̱͖̙͊͌͝'̶̩͙̼̍̄̏ẗ̸̫͔͈͂̄͊̀ ̵͍̩̇́m̸̝̝͙͛̎̄̕i̵̦͉͔͒̈̃̋n̸̳̙̰̥͊͗̈́͜d̷̜͙͆͒͂̇ ̷̪̕a̷͙͒t̷͖͎̐͠ ̶̝̖̱̪̿̌͊a̶̢͖͇̤̐̓̾̅l̸̜̮̬͐̀̕l̵̛̰̳̳̤͋͋̔!̴͚͗ ̶̗͕̃̄̽C̴̰̱̤̔͜ô̶͓͉̤̩̄̓͜m̶͎̳͎̑͐̕e̵̫̞̎͌̈́͜ ̴͉͑̃h̴̞̜̜͊̈͗͜͜͝e̴͖̲̐̒r̸̹̫͂e̷̢̱͙̠̪̓͑̓̆,̴̨̘̳̞̊̈́͜ ̸̪͋̅c̶̳͕̣̳͆̂̓ͅơ̵̬̣̰̈́̇̆̐m̶̰̹̞̮̘͌͛̑̾͗e̶̱͎̼͉̅̿͆ ̵͕͕̎̈́̚ḫ̷͇̐̽͝ͅe̸̡͖̪̘̫̓r̸̤͓̣̺̖̓͝ȩ̸̝̘̮̜͌͛,̶̲͍̩̞̈̐̌͗ ̸̯̲͚̙̓̔̓̕͝ş̷̱̃̾ì̸̧͈̪͔̊̐t̸̠̒̔̊̆̓ ̷̮̦̗̦̇̏͐w̷̨̝̓̎͂̊ï̸̘̍̊̃ͅt̶̛͇̪̺̟̃̽͠ḩ̶͎̙͚̿̊̏ ̷̞̮̔͠ṁ̶̙͕̦e̴͔̪̊̇͛̍̔,̶̯̳͓̋̽̈͝ͅ ̵̩̗̦̦̤̏̽͗̈́̔R̴̥͌̌a̷̦͍̱̘̼͒n̸̡͈̰̑̾̍̕̕b̸͚̬͎͇̒̏̕ͅo̴̭̣̎̈́̋͛͛o̶̪͍͇̦̠͊̔͆̃̃!̶̢̝̳́” Edward pats the seat on the couch next to himself before bending down at the waist to pick up the puzzle piece. Ranboo, nervous for reasons yet to be known to himself, nods jerkily and stumbles over. The lines on the couch are cool to the touch and a relief to his hands, warmed by his gloves in the heating of the car.

“What… Uhm, Ŵ̸̧̮̗̖̓ḧ̵̩͓͚͍́͆a̴̢̩̖͚̾͊̕t̸͕͈̩̆̚ ̸̝̋̐ķ̴̛͙̞̳̔̑ỉ̷̢̧̬n̷͇̊̑̈́͛d̶̛̲̊̽ ̶̹̰̮̥̌̉͝ö̴͉̹̙́͜f̶͔̱̠̃ ̵͈͊̊̈́̐ͅp̴̧̞̠̰͈̑̑u̶̟̲͕͂z̸̛̦͎͇̰̀̐̾z̷̩̃ͅľ̵̰e̵̢̖̣̝̎̐̃͜͠ ̸̱̒ã̵̳̥͈̓̇̄͂r̵̝̥̹̄̊̊͑̚ͅͅẻ̶̝͉̬̾͐͑͝ ̴͍̤̖̣̇͆͠͝y̶̤̗͎̞̠͘̕o̸͇̓͠ų̸̨͙͚̐͂̃ ̵̛̺͍̐̈́d̷͈͛̄̇͒̽ö̷̥͙́̍͒͗̔i̴̛̞̹̯͗̚͝n̴̟̈́̔̑͝g̴̡̧͈͕͂͂?̷̺̥̈́͜” He asks. He hopes his Ender is passable enough. The box is nowhere to be found, sue him, he’s curious.

Edward brightens immediately, making a sound Ranboo’s made himself a few times, an excited, high-pitched noise that feels like a rush of serotonin straight to his brain. “I̴̪̼̪͌̎͗͂̿t̸̡̗͔̞̃͗̋'̶͇̤̞̃͊̊̚̕s̸̡̛͉̤̃̽̽̽ ̵̛͕͉̘̒̒̉͗a̴͓̒̂ ̶̼̽̈́̔͒̕f̴̧̦͗̐͝r̴̪̙̘̚͝͠ǫ̶̟͕̼͆͆̓̾g̵̦̃̐̂̽̾!̸͇̠̃̎̚” He replies, “F̷̛̙̾͌̀͐ṛ̴͗̇̈́̿ö̵̢͍̮́̇̃̌ġ̵̰̳̅͗ś̷̗͉̈́̇ ̸̡̩͓͉̓̂̕a̷̧͔̳͖̗̾̍͗͐r̸̬̯̪̗̓͐͊͛̋e̶̢̛̹̞͙̭̽ ̸̢̣͖̱̙̇͊̚̚v̵͉͆̈͂ȩ̵̥̦̝̤̒ŗ̵̫̞̠͙̔̐͠y̶̧͝͠ ̵̱̥̦̙͍̍̅g̸̫͚͖̝̃o̵͍̮͙͓͂̇̆ȫ̶͓̯̏̎d̷̩̽.̵̨̭̩̦͌̋͋͝ ̸̡̗͚̣͌̀͜Ǐ̵̗̖̦͠ ̷̡̣̪̋͠ẅ̸͓̤́̐ä̸̡̧̫̗́n̶͕̓t̸͇̠͆͜ ̵̯̲̖͗̈̉̅a̵̧͇̦͛ ̷̫͈̣͍͙͒͆͝f̷̬̂̿̇̎͠r̷̨̩̀̽ͅő̷̰̣g̶̨͖͇͂̂̅,̴̡̲́̈́̓ ̵̧͙͉͔̠̑b̴̯̙̍̑͐̍́u̴̥̽̍̍̚t̵͔̞̻͂̔̈́ ̴̜̓͝T̴͇̝̚͜e̵̱̹̓́c̸̣̈́́͆͊͆h̷͙͔̫͂̃̋͊n̶͖͙͙͗̈̂̆̀ō̷̰͐͆̓͘͜ ̷̧̨̥̝̂̈͆̌͝ͅw̵̑̿ͅo̷͚̱̥͈̎n̶̹̹̄̋̄͐'̷̖͙͙̩͍̉́͛̚̚t̶͙̏̿ ̵̺̅́ľ̶̤̟e̶͔̙̳̪̽̾̈̐͝t̴̡̡̼͔̾̄͝ ̶̠́m̶͇͎̮͒͜e̶̢̹͕̤̝̔̿̇̅ ̷̖̹͈͉̗͐̓̓͌ḧ̶̢̼̩̼̞́̽͑͑͌à̷̤̻͙͂ṽ̴̠e̴͙̖̭͑͂̓̔̕ ̶͈̐o̶͇̲͉̟̎n̴͕̟̈́̌̎̕ę̷͋̊͌.̴̺͇̈̔͋̎”

“That’s because the last pet you had on your own died within a week!” Techno calls from somewhere else in the house. Ranboo hadn’t seen him leave, honestly, too enthralled by being in the presence of a _real, whole Enderman._

Edward makes a squawk of protest before connecting the piece in his hand to the rest of the puzzle. “R̶̫̭͚̹͊ű̵͉̈́̿̋͝d̸̫̱̠̽̌͝ẹ̵̱͎͓̻̄͛!̵̮͠”

“But true! Ranboo, what’s that thing that one kid, uh, Karl always says?”

“True, true, any truers?” Ranboo says without missing a beat.

“Bingo.” There’s a thump, a click, and then Techno’s back in the living room, two cans of Sprite and one Monster Energy drink in his hands. “Scoot over, Ranboo, let me in on this puzzle action.” One Sprite is handed to Ranboo, which he mutters a thank you for, one Sprite is kept for Techno to open, and the Monster is handed to Edward, who immediately cracks it open and takes a long sip.

“F̵͈͆i̷͖͔̇̏ņ̴̳͖̬̉͜͝a̵̛̞͎̚l̴̦̫̮̉̿̆̔l̶͔̍ỳ̷̪̰̉̃,̵͇̩̕ ̴̱̪̭̙̠̇͒̍̽G̴͈̊͌͆̈ȯ̴̟d̷̟̗̬̯̒̔̕͝ͅ,̷͚̱̤̍̊̍̂ ̴̘̻̜̜͆̿̉͝Î̶̝̦̜͓̭'̸̝̍v̵̯̜͛͋͆͗͑e̶̫̟͔͚͓̍̓͝ ̵͇̗̺̽b̶͈̜̱̮̐̔ȇ̸̪͌̈́͒̂ḙ̴͉͖͎̻͌n̷̥͗ ̶̡̣͛w̸̯͔̳̓͊͛̽ǎ̴͉̹̈́̋͐̌i̶̤̭͇͔̼͊̂͘t̶̹̞̰͈͋͝ͅỉ̷̯̜̦͋̕n̶͇͋̀g̵̥͙̤̥̽ ̶̟̬̲̫̑̌a̸̡̼͛̏͛̽͘l̷̩̇́̆̂̽l̷̛̟̪͑͝ ̸̢̭̑n̴̗̱̂̽̐̇͆i̵̺̯͂̈́͒͗g̶͓̭̩̔̀̐̄͘h̴̪͉̺͚̀́̓t̸̤̋̃̈ ̴̧̳͈̝̩̇͑͠f̵̲͉̫̹̓̋͐̕ͅõ̷̯̫̏̋̅͝ṙ̸̨͔̳ ̴̨̢͖͙̜͋̈́͒ṯ̵̫̣͆́̅h̴̙̓̊̓̽ỉ̶͖̭̈́̅s̷̟̻̿.̸̛̦͜”

“You could’ve gotten it yourself, Edward.”

A long, long pause. Ranboo was staring at the puzzle, but as the silence drags on, he looks first to Techno, who’s inexplicably turned beet-red, and then to Edward, who has put down the Monster to hunch over the table, shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

“...Is he okay?” Ranboo asks. Who ‘he’ is is unclear.

“He’s-” Techno tries to start. Edward cuts him off.

“M̴̙̣͈̥̈́̂͜͠ỹ̶͇̳͊͝ ̷̲̉̒͆̆l̸̡̛̪̍͝e̷̡̓̌̒̚g̵̞͉̰̹̈́̎͌͑s̶̗̐͗͊͐͋ ̵̜̂̄̌͝d̴͖̿͝o̵̞̣͎̹̦̍̔ǹ̷͔͈̹̇̓̉͒'̵͓͈̣̆͑͜ṱ̸̨̛͒̅ ̷̜̤̰̹͋͗̅w̷͙̯͑͑̔̄ö̴̦́͂͒̚ṙ̴̻̰͍͑̿̽͘k̸̡͕͍̙̦̊!̶̦̗̪̆” He yells, pounding a fist on the table, static filling the air in what Ranboo knows to be Endermen’s laughter, “I̸̤̙͕̥̖͂̊͘ ̷̢̲̣́c̵̲̗̈́̾͛a̴̬͆͋̏ṉ̸̡͍̭̦̈͑̐'̶̧͇͇͋̊͐͒̽ṫ̸͚͎͇̹͆͝ ̷͖̗̼̔ͅe̵̦̻̅̐̀̊ͅv̷̤̖̪̩͒͐̏ḝ̵̏n̸̝͊ ̴͙̺̻̤̼̐w̶̨̙͎͍͉̋̓̚̕a̸̙͉̯͚̠͌̑͝l̷̛͙̱͍̐͠ͅk̶̛̂́͆͠ͅ!̷͖̅̚ ̶̤̈́̅̔I̶̝̤̟͂̕ ̶͈͍͕̝͜d̸͚͊̆͑̒ơ̶̖̾n̷̰̱̍̿̔ͅ'̵̙͊͒ͅt̷̛̰̜̉̾͜͝ ̷̧̜̹̽͗̾̇e̶̡̥̗͉̤͑͋̓͆̌x̴̹̒̎͒̆͜ä̸͔́̍̉c̷̣̜̝͖̈t̸̝̄̽̒͆l̴̮̐y̷̟̥̝̣͋ ̸̢̛͕̱̔̂̇͝l̵̫͍͈̜̩̐̐̈́ị̶̄v̸̟̥̫̥̼̽͂ȩ̶̅ ̴͍͇͖̤̗̆̓w̸̲̬͎͑̕̚ͅị̷̢̤̩̂t̷͙͇̤͙͘h̴̢̢͍̺̏̄̃̾̈́ ̶͉͓̓t̷̮͕̘̹̍̈́͠h̷̼̣͖͛̎̉i̶̞̞̮̐s̸̰͔̘̊̓ ̸̧̟̙̠͛̏͛̽f̷̡͖̥̜͋ṷ̵͕̾̃͌͊͘c̴̛͚̺̈́k̷̥̿ẹ̴̆͒͘r̸̯̪̠̊̓ ̸̪̺̠̊̋̕͝b̵̫̙̹͉́̃̉ȳ̶̢̪̱̤̠̌̎ ̶̡͐̃͛͗c̷̖̔̅̄ȟ̸̜̓o̴̩̲̝̹̐̃i̵̥̣͙͠c̸̛̯̹̣̳̝͊̒̋ê̵̠̈́!̴̟̰̦̋̎̆͑”

One of Techno’s hands come up to cover his face in embarrassment. He lets out a long, drawn-out groan. Ranboo is trying really hard not to laugh, he’s trying really, _really_ hard, but he can’t help himself, and now he’s laughing alongside Edward, who starts howling with it, hitting the table once again and almost spilling the Monster, and _seriously, what the fuck is going on in Ranboo’s life anymore?_

“I hate it here,” Techno says right before he starts laughing too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zalgo text translations:  
> "A friend!"  
> "I don't mind at all! Come here, come here, sit with me, Ranboo!"  
> "What kind of puzzle are you doing?"  
> "It's a frog," "Frogs are very good. I want a frog, but Techno won't let me have one."  
> "Rude!"  
> "Finally, God, I've been waiting all night for this."  
> "My legs don't work!" "I can't even walk! I don't exactly live with this fucker by choice!"
> 
> ///
> 
> EDWARD THE ENDERMAN EDWARD THE ENDERMAN EDWARD SUPREMACY!! IF FRIEND CAN HAVE INFINITE CANON LIVES SO CAN EDWARD. EDWARD SUPREMACY. IF U KNOW OF ANY EDWARD FICS PLEASE IM BEGGING U HAND THEM OVER. PUT THE EDWARD FICS IN THE BAG.


	5. [get ranboozled: yo why my guy type like that]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is mostly just filler to lead into the next chapter smile
> 
> i was in a long car ride with just me and my mom,, i may or may not have spent 2 hours straight telling her about the entire dsmp storyline lmfao

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

get ranboozled: pain

guns cock: Aren’t you in highschool?

get ranboozled: ,,,yeah  
get ranboozled: why  
get ranboozled: what are u a cop

guns cock: It’s 6:30 in the morning.  
guns cock: Why are you awake.

get ranboozled: lol

guns cock: That is nowhere near an answer.

get ranboozled: hits the woah

guns cock: Please do not

get ranboozled: beg.

guns cock: ,,,

get ranboozled: watch me whip and, just maybe, watch me naenae

naenaes: SOMEONE CALL MY NAME??

get ranboozled: NO BUT HELLO ANYWAYS KARL!!

naenaes: WOOOOOOOOOO

get ranboozled: WOO!!  
get ranboozled: I AM SO TIRED!!

naenaes: WHY R U TIRED HOMIE

get ranboozled: I DIDNT SLEEP!!!  
get ranboozled: WOOOOOOOOO

naenaes: WOOOOOOOOO

get ranboozled: ALSO WHILE UR HERE KARL  
get ranboozled: WHAT MONSTER DRINKS R GOOD

naenaes: DEPENDS WHOS ASKING

get ranboozled: I MADE A FRIEND (I THINK??) AND APPARENTLY HE LIKES THEM SO I WANT TO GIVE. A GIFT.

naenaes: a friend of good taste.  
naenaes: ill dm you smile

get ranboozled: rad

//

**miners**

pisscow: ranboob wherefore art thow

ranboo: :(  
ranboo: technoblades place

pisscow: ,  
pisscow: u wat

ranboo: YEAH IM SIMULTANEOUSLY THRIVING AND SUFFERING  
ranboo: on the one hand “YOOO IM IN TECHNOBLADES APARTMENT” but on the other hand “ohhhh god im in TECHNOBLADE’s APARTMENT.”  
ranboo: yk

pisscow: ye ik  
pisscow: th efirst time i wsa @ tomyms hous was WILD  
pisscow: seeign pjilza miencraft in perosn… fear

ranboo: ...seeing who now

pisscow: uh  
pisscow: UH

_pisscow has deleted 1 message._

pisscow: u saw NTOHGIN

ranboo: I SAW IT

pisscow: NO

ranboo: MEMORY BOY ISNT FORGETTING THIS ONE  
ranboo: WRITE THAT DOWN PATRICK WRITE THAT DOWN  
ranboo: IN THE BOOK IT GOES  
ranboo: CONSPIRACY THEORY???

pisscow: NOOOOOOOOO  
pisscow: RANBOOOOOOO

ranboo: LOL  
ranboo: (do u actually want me to not write it down)

pisscow: (no imn ot gonaa ask uto forget smthng)  
pisscow: (aslo toymmy doesnt caer)  
pisscow: (hell jus tbe mad he doidnt get hte revseal)

ranboo: (okay swag)  
ranboo: L

pisscow: SOB

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

get ranboozled: LOLLLL

i lika de bee: SOBB

get ranboozled: LLLLLLLLLLL  
get ranboozled: HAHA @exiled dhmu SUFFER

exiled dhmu: huh  
exiled dhmu: what  
exiled dhmu: WHAT  
exiled dhmu: TUBBO UIS ON FO A BITCH

i lika de bee: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

get ranboozled: HAH

guns cock: I’m almost afraid to ask. Almost.  
guns cock: What the fuck happened this time?

exiled dhmu: TUBBO TOLD RANBOO A SERCERT

get ranboozled: L

exiled dhmu: NOW THEWYR BULLYING DMSE IN FDMS

guns cock: Uh-huh.  
guns cock: And what would this secret be?

get ranboozled: DONT SAY A WORD

exiled dhmu: TUBBO I WIL DUCTTAPE URJ SFUCIGN SMIUPUTH SHUT

i lika de bee: I WASN TJKOGNIGN TO SAY ANYRHIDG

guns cock: Damn, I thought I had you.

get ranboozled: yo why my guy type like that  
get ranboozled: proper punctuation lookin  
get ranboozled: what are you, old?  
get ranboozled: u certainly look the part with those muttonchops but i thought you had at least a little bit of swag  
get ranboozled: smh my head

guns cock: ...I got out of highschool last year.

exiled dhmu: GET HSIUD ASS ROANBOO

i lika de be: YEAHHHHHHHHDFGJH GET UFJKMIM!!!!!

get ranboozled: everybody point and laugh at the old man  
get ranboozled: [Image ID: The screencap of Lord Faarquad from the wedding scene in the first movie, captioned in white Impact font as “OLD”.]

guns cock: We live in a society.

get ranboozled: totally unrelated but does anyone have a picture of schlatt  
get ranboozled: for completely non malicious reasons, of course

guns cock: …  
guns cock: [Image ID: That one image of Schlatt staring past the camera.]

get ranboozled: thanks :thumbsup:  
  
 _guns cock has deleted 1 message._

guns cock: Let’s hope you managed to save it to your phone in time.

get ranboozled: i took a very low res screenshot of it yes

guns cock: That sounds promising.  
guns cock: What edit’s being made of me this time?

get ranboozled: lol

guns cock: You have a habit of not responding to my questions.

get ranboozled: okay jschlatt :thumbsup:

guns cock: Screenshotted.  
guns cock: Now delete it and we’ll have blackmail on Technoblade. You know he likes it when he’s the only one to have something.

get ranboozled: swag

_get ranboozled has deleted 1 message._

guns cock: Every single time one of you fucks says swag, I feel like I’ve lost another 30 years of my lifespan. Just last year I would’ve gotten the shit beat out of me if I said that.

get ranboozled: cringe culture is dead and i take pleasure in seeing people older than me suffer because i have truckloads of trauma and use humor as a coverup for the innate fear i feel around anyone with any power over me  
get ranboozled: naenaes cutely

guns cock: ,,,  
guns cock: Catch me speedrunning adoption papers.

i lika de bee: lol yah ranboob  
i lika de bee: shallg lieks adppoting ayny kid w truama  
i lika de bee: hes swahg like that

get ranboozled: fear

guns cock: Nothing to fear about me.  
guns cock: Nothing at all.

get ranboozled: see now i KNOW thats a lie  
get ranboozled: didnt mr alex quackity JUST have to go bail u out of jail for illegal possession of arms or smthn like that

guns cock: ...Maybe, maybe not.  
guns cock: You don’t know.

get ranboozled: so if i were to, hypothetically, teleport down to the police station and ask them if they had seen a goat in a snazzy suit recently, they would tell me no?

guns cock: You think my suit is snazzy?

get ranboozled: avoidance. guilty  
get ranboozled: also yeah  
get ranboozled: banger suit mr president

guns cock: :)

get ranboozled: :) :thumsbup:  
get ranboozled: uh oh edward the enderman is waking up i gotta go harass him in my sleep-deprived haze, lets hope he has the guts to just knock me out cold lol

//

**sleep bitches inc!!**

fishfucker69: lol u guys know what would be funny

actually pretty funny: heh

hatsune miku: i dont trust ur humor at all wiblur soot

fishfucker69: reasonable.  
fishfucker69: okay but like  
fishfucker69: u gotta admit  
fishfucker69: adding philza minecraft to our highschool groupchat is a banger idea

actually pretty funny: absolutely not.

hatsune miku: YES LETS DO IT

actually pretty funny: NO.

hatsune miku: WHY NOT :((

fishfucker69: look at what u did techno  
fishfucker69: u made him sad  
fishfucker69: now whos gonna make us grilled cheese???

hatsune miku: you are both grown fuckin adults go make ur own goddamn grilled cheese

fishfucker69: but u know how to make the cheese melt the best :((

hatsune miku: U CAN JUST ASK ME HOW TO MAKE IT??  
hatsune miku: OR BETTER YET JUST LEARN THRU EXPERIENCE. ITS LITERALLY JUST BREAD AND CHEESE

fishfucker69: gwilled cheese :((

hatsune miku: disowned.

actually pretty funny: we are NOT adding dadza to the pogclass wilbur soot. those childrens brains would literally explode. do you remember last week when we were spamming the meme channel with Those Memes?? dadza would find that in an INSTANT. do you want that? huh? you want dadza to find what i’m about to dm you?

fishfucker69: why cant you just say it h  
fishfucker69: oh  
fishfucker69: OH NO  
fishfucker69: IFJSUIJUSHHHHHH  
fishfucker69: thats a good point but we can also just make him a custom role and then lock him out of that channel

actually pretty funny: you really think dadza would let us lock him out of the meme channel, of all things

fishfucker69: okay true

hatsune miku: i think its very funny that youre both texting here, right in front of me.  
hatsune miku: also. wilbur. we’re in the same room why did you start this here

fishfucker69: just felt like seeing your profile picture lol

hatsune miku: ...uhuh

fishfucker69: glamza

actually pretty funny: i wish i had been adopted by some other family

fishfucker69: u love us :blue_heart:

actually pretty funny: eh. debatable

fishfucker69: :(

hatsune miku: :(  
hatsune miku: techno bald :(

actually pretty funny: PAIN.  
actually pretty funny: ok yeah i guess ur cool sometimes

fishfucker69: :D

hatsune miku: :)

actually pretty funny: …  
actually pretty funny: :white_heart:

//

**sleepy bitches inc!!**

child: I AMD IFN FUL SUPPROT OF THIS IDEA

hatsune miku: sleep

child: OKAY MR MINECRAFT!!

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

get ranboozled: I HAVE SO MANY REGRETS WHY DID MY FILTER DISAPPEAR THIS MORNING PLEASE SHOOT ME THANKS :green_heart: :heart:  
get ranboozled: it may be 3 am but i have MANNERS  
get ranboozled: @guns cock i am So Sorry for calling you old, please do not hate me, /gen i feel really bad and i hope we’re still chill

guns cock: Yeah, we’re good. It was funny. And deserved. I’m getting way too old.

get ranboozled: ur still young and fabulous i promise  
get ranboozled: okay now i will pass out :thumbsup:

guns cock: Night. :thumbsup:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u have any characters youd like to see show up in later chapters lmk... im thinking about adding in some more of jack manifold, big q, karl, and maybe purpled at some point :eyes:
> 
> fun fact, this chapter was called "ur dogwater??? ur actually dogwater????" in my google docs


	6. [traceur: HOMEWORK IS FOR PUSSIES I AM ERADICATING HIM]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early morning chapter pog?? i had this finished yesterday but i decided to wait to upload it since it hadnt even been an hour after i posted the last one,, this is the first time i've ever waited to upload a fic :flushed: i am so swag and cool
> 
> there r.. like... almsot a hundred private bookmarks for this fic... who are u... what are u doing.... what secrets do you hold
> 
> ALSO I WAS READING A FIC THE OTHER DAY AND SAW THIS FIC?? IN THE END NOTES?? AS A RECOMMENDED READ???? IT WAS SO UNEXPECTED BUT VERY VERY COOL BEANS I WAS HYPE FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT AFTER THAT LOL

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

naenaes: AYO GUESS WHAT I HEARD

whips: WHAT DID YOU HEAR KARL MY BELOVED

exiled dhmu: WHAT IS UP BIG MAN??

jack maiBAH: whats up karl

naenaes: OKAY OKAY SO  
naenaes: U DIDNT HEAR IT FROM ME BUT JIMMY SAID THAT UH  
naenaes: U KNOW PHILZA MINECRAFT??  
naenaes: YEAH APPARENTLY HES GONNA BE IN TOWN  
naenaes: AGAIN U DIDNT HEAR IT FROM ME

whips: YOOOOOOOOOO

jack maniBAH: swag

naenaes: I KNOW RIGHT  
naenaes: im thinking of asking jimmathy if i can go with when they do their whole meeting thing lol

exiled dhmu: YOU FOOLS  
exiled dhmu: philza minecraft has been in town for THREE DAYS!!!!

naenaes: ??

whips: IS THIS IN ANY WAY RELATED TO U SAYING THAT PHILZA MINECRAFT WANTED UR HELP THE OTHER NIGHT??

exiled dhmu: LOL  
exiled dhmu: @Depression. did u know this was a public thing??

Depression.: yes tommy we told you it was public last month

exiled dhmu: wack

whips: WIBLUR  
whips: WHAT IS TOMATHY ON ABOUT WIBLRU SOOT TALL AND LANKY SEDUCER OF WOMEN

Depression.: hah  
Depression.: this was actually discussed last night. perfect timing one might say

exiled dhmu: OH???

Depression.: yes tommy. it is time to add father minecraft to the homie squad

exiled dhmu: FUCK EYS  
exiled dhmu: WOOO

Depression.: at least i think its time. lets hope the old man is awake lmfao

exiled dhmu: yeahhhhh GET HIS ASS WILBUR

_Depression. has added hatsune miku._   
_Depression. has changed hatsune miku’s name to bravest man i’ve ever met._

bravest man i’ve ever met: pog

exiled dhmu: YEAHHHHHHH

naenaes: what the honk is going on

bravest man i’ve ever met: WHAT THE HONK?  
bravest man i’ve ever met: that’s great i like that

naenaes: that answered Nothing

whips: wwwwait a Minute

exiled dhmu: lol he’s learning wilbur

Depression.: hmmm yes

bravest man i’ve ever met: Hm, indeed.

whips: UR JOKING  
whips: NAHHHHH  
whips: NAHHHHHHHHHHH

naenaes: ???

Depression: karl jacobs and alex quackity, meet philza minecraft

bravest man i’ve ever met: lol

whips: NAHHHHHHHHH

exiled dhmu: YESSIR BIG QQQQQQ

bravest man i’ve ever met: OH SO THIS IS THE INFAMOUS BIG Q

whips: **WHY DOES PHILZA MINECRAFT KNOW MY NICKNAME I HATE IT HERE**

bravest man i’ve ever met: this was such a good idea why didn’t i get added sooner

immortal question mark?: NO

bravest man i’ve ever met: oh yeah thats why

naenaes: sorry i was busy LOSING MY MIND  
naenaes: WHAT exactly does technoblade hold over philza minecraft himself?? even better, WHY DID WILBUR SOOT ADD HIM TO THE SCHOOL GROUP CHAT??

immortal question mark?: Father.

bravest man i’ve ever met: hello my pig son, my beautiful boy, my wonderful friend

immortal question mark?: FATHER MY REPUTATION

whips: NO

naenaes: R U BEING DEADASS??? FR FR??? UR BEING SRS???? U ARENT RUINGING MY VIBES??

bravest man i’ve ever met: i am not ruining ur vibes karl jacobs  
bravest man i’ve ever met: i have a child adopting problem  
bravest man i’ve ever met: it means i’ve ended up with these three atrocities in my gotdamn house

naenaes: ..  
naenaes: @traceur please get philza minecraft out of this groupchat  
naenaes: im not mentally stable enough to be in a HIGHSCHOOL GROUPCHAT with PHILZA MINECRAFT  
naenaes: I TALK ABOUT MY PERSONAL THINGS HERE

bravest man i’ve ever met: if you really dont want me here i’ll leave  
bravest man i’ve ever met: AFTER  
bravest man i’ve ever met: i search for my name and see if i’ve been talked about.

whips: UHFJKSDHUFJ FUCK  
whips: SPEEDRUN DELETING MESSAGES  
whips: DUDUDUDU

naenaes: DREAM HURRY UP GET ‘IM OUTTA HERE  
naenaes: @traceur GET HIM OUT GET HIM OUT

traceur: WHAT DO YOU WANT KARL

naenaes: PHILZA MINECRAFT HAS INFILTRATED THE GROUPCHAT AND IS CHECKING HIS INDIRECTS DREAM

traceur: karl please im trying to do my homework

Depression.: [Video ID: The phone camera is shaky, but it’s pointed towards a man with choppy blonde hair and large, scaly wings. The wings flap a little bit as he throws his head back in laughter, almost dropping the phone in his hands. The person filming him starts laughing as well, revealing it to be Wilbur.

“What’re you laughing at, Dadza?”

“When I-” Philza cuts himself off to laugh again, “When I searched my name, I found a whole days worth of memes about myself, what- what the fuck happened that day-” His wings flap again while he laughs, accidentally knocking a lamp off of the couchside table. “Oh, shit-” He scrambles to try and catch the lamp. The video cuts off with Wilbur dropping his phone to try and catch it as well and Philza yelping as the lamp shatters on the ground.]

Depression.: he’s found cumza i am Leaving The Planet

traceur: …  
traceur: GET ‘IM OUTTA HEREEEEE  
traceur: WE R NOT BRINGING CUMZA BACK!! ESP NOT _TO HIS FACE_  
traceur: HOMEWORK IS FOR PUSSIES I AM ERADICATING HIM

bravest man i’ve ever met: NO NO NO WAIT DREAM MR GREEN MAN PLEASE WAIT HEAR ME OUT

traceur: ..hm

bravest man i’ve ever met: ok here is my reasons why i should be allowed to stay:  
bravest man i’ve ever met: 1.) its funny  
bravest man i’ve ever met: thats my list of reasons why i should stay

traceur: i… hmm

exiled dhmu: TRUEEEE TRUE ANY TRUERS??? ANY TRUERS IN THE CHAT BOYS

jack maniBAH: every day we stray further from god  
jack maniBAH: i wish i went to a different school, was in a different grade, was in a different town, wish i never met u gd mfers, wish i was literally anywhere BUT in the groupchat where essentially God Himself finds out a bunch of highschoolers made memes about the one time he wore a white outfit

bravest man i’ve ever met: please cumza is so funny  
bravest man i’ve ever met: i’m adding it to my nickname book

Depression.: NOT THE BOOK

bravest man i’ve ever met: @immortal question mark? go get my book technoblade

immortal question mark?: ???

bravest man i’ve ever met: i might have gotten my wing stuck in-between the couch and the wall

immortal question mark?: and youre just sitting there?? texting???

bravest man i’ve ever met: yeah lol

Depression.: its very amusing to watch  
Depression.: i just hear “tktktktktktk”  
Depression.: yk because he’s a boomer who has his typing sounds on

bravest man i’ver ever met: shut

Depression.: no :blue_heart:

naenaes: why is he still here @ dream

traceur: he raised a good point karl

naenaes: ALL HE SAID WAS “IT WOULD BE FUNNY I THINK”  
naenaes: DREAM WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN HE SEES OUR STATUSES WE USUALLY USE???

traceur: wdym

naenaes: [Image ID: A screenshot of Dream’s Discord account in the server, nickname and roles included. His status is set as “having a mental breakdown pls hmu i need company”. His Spotify account is linked and playing MONSTER ENERGY GUN! by KevinKempt. There’s an edited in bar of text that reads “<\-- hes been listening to this for 4 hours now”.]

traceur: .  
traceur: its my mental breakdown and i get to choose the soundtrack

bravest man i’ve ever met: IVE BEEN FREED FROM THE CONFINES OF THE COUCH

whips: i’ve just been sitting here watching this but i think the duality of man is being shown very well right here. dream & karl are talking about dream’s unstable mental state whilst philza minecraft is somehow getting stuck in his own house behind his own couch like some kind of small dog

bravest man i’ve ever met: im

exiled dhmu: LMAO

Depression.: philza he just called you a small dog how do you feel

bravest man i’ve ever met: (completely monotone) grr. bark bark. snarl. growl. grruff ruff ruff. bark bark snarl.

whips: DMSDJFJHSD

naenaes: PLSSKJDJKSDJHKF

traceur: AT LEAST HIS HUMOR FITS?????

bravest man i’ve ever met: i am So Swag And Cool And Also Maybe Poggers

immortal question mark?: i am leaving. im running away goodbye philza minecraft

bravest man i’ve ever met: oh nooo i’m so worried about you not coming backkk  
bravest man i’ve ever met: for someone with the nickname “blood god” u sure are clingy lol

exiled dhmu: GET HIM PHILZA MIENCRAFT CERATOR OF POPULAR CVIDEO GAME MINCEARFT GET HIM!!!!

immortal question mark?: heart been broke so many times

traceur: HES USING THE MEME  
traceur: YOOOOOOOOOOOO LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO

immortal question mark?: i feel like i will come to regret this decision in the near future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want more content for this au but im the one who made the au so im the only one whos been able to make content for it... slams my fist on the desk... you guys that read this should totally consider dropping some headcannons or maybe even oneshots if u have ideas for it lol... insert that one gif of the emoji glancing back and forth and sweating


	7. [actually pretty funny: fuck]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tommy just started his stream for today (1/20), i am so afraid, help me sob, lets hope it all goes okay
> 
> i already updated once today but i am just so cool that i am doing it again, look at me go

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

Fundy: Just woke up, what did I miss

jack maniBAH: so much  
jack maniBAH: check the members list

Fundy: O  
Fundy: Who’s that?

jack maniBAH: philza minecraft.

Fundy: Lol  
Fundy: Tell me who

jack maniBAH: no i’m being serious  
jack maniBAH: its literally philza minecraft  
jack maniBAH: deadass. /srs /gen

Fundy: .  
Fundy: What the fuck

jack maniBAH: yeahhh

Fundy: …  
Fundy: Does he  
Fundy: Does he talk?

jack maniBAH: ask him, hes online

Fundy: …  
Fundy: …  
Fundy: @bravest man i’ve ever met

bravest man i’ve ever met: yeah whats up

Fundy: He speaks  
Fundy: Pog

bravest man i’ve ever met: wait fundy  
bravest man i’ve ever met: i know that name

Fundy: Wait What

bravest man i’ve ever met: FUNDY  
bravest man i’ve ever met: WILBUR’S FURRY SON

Fundy: FUCK OFFFFFF  
Fundy: HATE IT HERE  
  
//  
  
**Private DMs  
****retirement arc -- > homeless**

retirement arc: hey do you wanna fight in The Pit

homeless: hey technoblade, good morning! thank you for the early greeting, i sure do love it when my friends preface a conversation by saying hi!

retirement arc: shut up  
retirement arc: do you wanna 1v1 or nah

homeless: yes of course i want to beat your ass  
homeless: who do you take me for?? is it even a question anymore??  
homeless: name a time and you got yourself a duel

retirement arc: pog  
retirement arc: 7 pm thursday this week?

homeless: sure :)  
homeless: hand to hand?

retirement arc: yeah why not

homeless: nice  
homeless: who’s hosting?

retirement arc: purpled, he offered me quite a hefty sum to win.

homeless: oh? how much and where from?

retirement arc: 250, bedwars win

homeless: TWO FIFTY??? HELLO????  
homeless: I NEED TO FIND ME A RICH HOST ASAP

retirement arc: hah  
retirement arc: purpled said that the recent betting pools have been showing a heavy investment on your end from q, maybe hit him up to ask about it

homeless: how often are you in contact with purpled to know this stuff

retirement arc: quite often, actually, when he’s not in the The Pit mindset he’s pretty chill

homeless: wack  
homeless: yeah, i’ll dm big q, tell purpled i’m in

retirement arc: :thumbsup:

//

**The Pit.**

The Pit [BOT]: @everyone New fight in The Pit scheduled for Thursday, January 21st, at 7 PM, between @The Hunter and @The Boar. @Violet and @Raider are the hosts. The betting pool will open 24 hours before the fight is to start.

The Boar: give me your vast sums of money

The Hunter: literally bend over and get fucked

The Boar: no but with a heart emoji at the end

The Hunter: fuck you

Violet: Save it for The Pit, ladies, please

Raider: or keep fighting here. its kind of funny.

The Boar: just for you, i’m leaving <3

Raider: oh fuck you.

//

**sleepy bitches inc!!**

actually pretty funny: i am going to be busy thursday, is there anything important i’m gonna be missin

hatsune miku: don’t think so

actually pretty funny: pog.

child: WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING BIG MAN

actually pretty funny: uhhhhh  
actually pretty funny: definitely nothing illegal

child: TECHNO’S DOING ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES?? WHAT HAPPENED TO GOLDEN CHILD LMAO

actually pretty funny: i said it wasn’t illegal

hatsune miku: techno..

actually pretty funny: uh oh  
actually pretty funny: uh  
actually pretty funny: father i can explain

hatsune miku: i am going to take a wild guess and say that it involves a betting pool

actually pretty funny: …  
actually pretty funny: they’re so rich phil

hatsune miku: techno i am literally king of the entire end dimension

actually pretty funny: BUT PHIL  
actually pretty funny: I CAN FIGHT PEOPLE FOR MONEY PHIL

hatsune miku: fight?

actually pretty funny: fuck

child: OH HE SWORE ITS GETTING GOOD

actually pretty funny: shut  
actually pretty funny: philza its nothing TOO dangerous  
actually pretty funny: the fight’s won when someone draws blood

hatsune miku: uh-huh.

actually pretty funny: we have standards there phil  
actually pretty funny: usually we do it to where when one of us is ready to yield, the other just scratches them on the lip to draw blood  
actually pretty funny: standards phil, standards

hatsune miku: techno you are literally fighting in a gambling ring till blood is drawn please shut the fuck up about standards

actually pretty funny: BUT PHIL

hatsune miku: okay but honestly  
hatsune miku: i kinda don’t mind  
hatsne miku: you’re a grown adult, if you’re fighting in The Pit then i can’t really stop you

actually pretty funny: ..  
actually pretty funny: i never said the name

hatsune miku: damn  
hatsune miku: i’ve been exposed

actually pretty funny: father did you just so happen to also fight in an illegal underground dueling ring

hatsune miku: …

actually pretty funny: u can be honest with me philza minecraft

hatsune miku: they were so convincing techno

actually pretty funny: RIGHT  
actually pretty funny: i don’t need a job when i can beat the shit out of my friends for 200 bucks biweekly

hatsune miku: i wonder if any of the old hosts are there

actually pretty funny: i know there’s quite a few old hosts but the newer ones usually get to us first  
actually pretty funny: my current host is younger than i am it’s kinda terrifying

hatsune miku: who all have you seen over there?

actually pretty funny: uhh  
actually pretty funny: i know Minecart’s been around for a while, as has The Captain  
actually pretty funny: Longnose as well  
actually pretty funny: there’s two others there that i don’t remember the names of off the top of my head

hatsune miku: Amulet and The Phoenix?

actually pretty funny: oh yeah them

child: okay i know i was trying to stay quiet but these names are so cringe who the fuck calls themself The Phoenix

actually pretty funny: they don’t choose their own names you child  
actually pretty funny: they get chosen for them

child: still pretty cringe ass naenae baby if you ask me chief

actually pretty funny: well we didn’t  
actually pretty funny: silence worm

child: fuck you technoblade

actually pretty funny: you are a minor

child: FUCK OGFF

hatsune miku: cease

child: :[

hatsune miku: :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i wonder how easily you can tell who the old hosts are
> 
> i just wanted purpled content whip and naenae, i thought an underground fight ring would be a cool way to do it, i called it The Pit because of the smpearth battle of the pit and "it stays in the pit"... aesthetic lorebuilding for aus is very fun


	8. [traceur: literally kiss me on the lips youre so smart]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dude i;ve been up since 4 am for some reason. its now 9 am ive been awake for 5 hours ITS ONLY 9 AM
> 
> anyways here's an unplanned chapter. i didnt think i was gonna post today but apparently i am creating a daily upload streak. never done that before so it feels very swag but also FEAR bc i know i'm gonna lose it before too long LMFAO
> 
> we recently hit 200 bookmarks (mostly private lmfao WHAT R YALL HIDING), 111 comment threads, and 615 kudos :] very cool homies

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK OYU SCOTT S MAJOR**

exiled dhmu: LOL GUESS WHOS IN DETENTION!!!!

ninki manjaj: Oh no, Tommy, what happened? D:

exiled dhmu: LOLLLLLL  
exiled dhmu: i broguht The Book and mightve gotten found out

ninki manjaj: THE BOOK?

exiled dhmu: YEAH  
exiled dhmu: THE Book

ninki manjaj: DD:  
ninki manjaj: Do you want me to get Ranboo to bail you out?

get ranboozled: wait why me what

ninki manjaj: Vwoop :)

get ranboozled: :,[

ninki manjaj: Oh, hush, I know you want to.

get ranboozled: :point_right::point_left: maybe

exiled dhmu: changed my mind i dont want uwu boy to come rescue me

ninki manjaj: Too late, I’ve already sent him your way.

immortal question mark?: what book are we talking about here

ninki manjaj: Oh, uh-  
ninki manjaj: I don’t think that’s really for me to say!

immortal question mark?: i thought we were friends, nihachu

ninki manjaj: Sobs  
ninki manjaj: Sarcasm, by the way.  
ninki manjaj: You don’t scare me, pig boy.

immortal question mark?: hate it here

ninki manjaj: :}  
ninki manjaj: Oh! Ranboo and Tommy are back!

get ranboozled: going back to sleep goodnight gamers

ninki manjaj: Ranboo, it’s 3 PM?

get ranboozled: zzz

ninki manjaj: Damn.

exiled dhmu: I AM ON THE RUN FRO MTHE AUTHORITEIS BITVHC!!!!!!!!!!!  
exiled dhmu: LETS GOOOOOO

immortal question mark?: calls the school and tells you where they are cutely

exiled dhmu: NOOFDHKSOFDKJSFHKD FUCKSUI YUISU

ninki manjaj: Techno joining in on the memes of the server is the only thing keeping me from passing out on my feet.

exiled dhmu: LSEEEP BITCH!!! GO TO BED  
exiled dhmu: I AM A BGI MAN I WIL LMAKE SUIREJ YOUR HOUSE DOWNSNT GET ROBBED

immortal question mark?: thank you niki nihachu i try

ninki manjaj: But I want macaroni. And I want it now.

exiled dhmu: IC AN MAKE MXACARONI!!!

immortal queston mark?: normally i would disagree out of pure spite but he actually can make basic macaroni

exiled dhmu: YEHAHHHH FUCK YOUD!!!!

//

**sleepy bitches inc!!**

child: i am so swag and cool i made macaroni all by my damn self

hatsune miku: tommy i am very proud of you but i am in a meeting right now

child: WITH WHOM FATHER

hatsune miku: mister beast

child: how very poggers  
child: tell karl i said hi i know he managed to weasel his way in there

hatsune miku: will do :thumbsup:

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

immortal question mark?: exposing thread of tommyinnit  
immortal question mark?: the child is bragging to our father in the family groupchat that he made macaroni

ninki manjaj: Deserved. It was very adequate macaroni.

exiled dhmu: ADEQUATE???  
exiled dhmu: DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I AM SASMUNING IT IS BAD

ninki manjaj: It’s only bad if you take it bad, Tommy, I meant it in a good way. It was very good for a beginner.

exiled dhmu: oh  
exiled dhmu: OKAY!! :D

immortal question mark?: niki you are so good and pure how do you put up with tommy like you do

ninki manjaj: There’s not thought to it, really!! He did actually do a nice job and I want him to know that. :)

immortal question mark?: sobs  
immortal question mark?: tears streaming down my face  
immortal question mark?: gets down on one knee, what is your ring size

ninki manjaj: :flushed:  
ninki manjaj: Not sure!! When I’m not so tired I can figure it out, though, maybe we could hang out on Friday to do so? We could have matching ones!! :D

immortal question mark?: SOBBING  
immortal question mark?: yes i am free on friday

ninki manjaj: Nice!  
ninki manjaj: I will be passing out now :)

immortal question mark?: have a nice nap, niki

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

traceur: LOL guess what gang

gogmeister: what

traceur: GEROGE YOIRE AWAWEK

gogmeister: unfortunately.

traceur: SWAG  
traceur: so anyways  
traceur: scott s major found out we added someone not in the group to the gc and is wanting to know who it is  
traceur: how do i tell him its literally philza minecraft

gogmeister: just tell him its philza minecraft. clarify that it’s tommy-wilbur-techno’s dad. if he doesnt believe you, he can check the school records, where its surely marked down that he’s their guardian.

traceur: ..  
traceur: literally kiss me on the lips youre so smart

gogmeister: no

traceur: heart been broke so many times

im snazzy: wow thats so unfortunate that your best friend wont kiss you on the lips  
im snazzy: couldnt be me tho right @whips @naenaes

naenaes: YESSIR

whips: sorry my best friend is badboyhalo :raised_hand: :pensive:

im snazzy: Q????  
im snazzy: THE BETRAYAL

naenaes: IT HURTS

whips: i am down to kiss the homies though

im snazzy: IT HURTS A LITTLE LESS NOW come smooch

naenaes: i would never betray you like that sapnap

im snazzy: thank you karl  
im snazzy: kisses u

naenaes: flushed

gogmeister: why did you not include the colons karl jacobs you fucking imbecile

naenaes: SOBS

im snazzy: U COMIN FOR MY MAN???

gogmeister: i dont want your man, not after he’s been near you

whips: PLEASE GO BACK TO SLEEP GEORGENOTFOUND

gogmeister: person who asked not found

whips: PLS

naenaes: TEARS SO MANY TEARS

traceur: yeah thats my man ! watch him go

gogmeister: no  
gogmeister: just for that? sleep.

traceur: NO

gogmeister: wait okay not yet one more thing

traceur: waiting in anticipation

_gogmeister has changed their name to CAKTAIL NAEPKIN._

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: nice.  
CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: okay now i sleep. goodnight gentlemen

traceur: :((

im snazzy: its okay dream i’ll come kiss you

whips: HELLO????

naenaes: ITS OKAY QUACKITY WE CAN RUN OFF TOGETHER AND FORGET THIS BACKSTABBING SON OF A B

whips: YEAHHHHHHHH FUCK YU

im snazzy: i have goldfish

naenaes: oh shit goldfish

whips: thats a good point thats a good point lets hear him out

im snazzy: i also have oreos and probably enough milk for like half a glass idk

naenaes: we can share it heart emoji

whips: that is so handsome of you karl

naenaes: ik ik ik thank you q

traceur: can i have some goldfish

im snazzy: …  
im snazzy: gentlemen?

whips: hm…

naenaes: hm?

whips: hm.

im snazzy: hm.  
im snazzy: we have agreed that you can have some of the goldfish since there’s a lot, but not the oreos, since theres not enough milk for four people

traceur: how did you figure that out through typed hms

im snazzy: we r just that intertwined

traceur: i didnt think you knew the word intertwined to be fuckin honest

im snazzy: do not insult me your goldfish are on the line

traceur: oh shit  
traceur: yessir

im snazzy: kinky  
im snazzy: get ur ass over here

traceur: time me, speedrun

im snazzy: ffs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol what if i made a twt account just for this anon fic so that i could interact on twt (stuff like posting when i update)...... i dont figure that fan stuff is gonna be a thing but it doesnt hurt to be hopeful LOL wink wonk pointright pointleft wink wink nudges y


	9. Debate Class.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a long chapter (4k words as compared to the usual 1k), so if you're not up for reading it, you're fine to skip it! it might have mild influence in the future, but nothing huge, this entire fic is very light and not super plot-heavy.
> 
> mild cw at "34 sets of eyes..." ending at "He swallowed, suddenly finding his mouth very, very dry" for bugs and... like... a graphic(?) description of bugs in da skin. i use gross metaphors as my default lol i am so sorry  
> tws for arguing/yelling, its all a bit in a debate class and theyre not actually mad @ each other, but i figure i'll warn anyways!!
> 
> this chapter might count as angst?? but its all a bit?? so i'm not sure lol. just keep in mind that they fake-argue about the stuff in the dsmp plot!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's an oc in this chapter, but she's very small and won't be playing much of a part in later chapters (if any at all), so don't worry about that part lol. it's clementine the moth, if that helps.
> 
> please i'm in so much pain after writing this. my back hurts, my neck hurts, my fingers r sore from typing without taking breaks,, i am mentally deceased. please appreciate WAPing for some nice comments
> 
> also!! twitter!! lets go!! literally only like 2 people said to do it but i was planning on doing it regardless so (whips and naenaes). it's @anonymoushybr1d :] i'll be tweeting updates whenever i post a new chapter + random memes related to it lol... if u ever have a meme about the fic (or like?? fanart?? flushed emoji wink wink) i'll rt it on there!! (as long as ur chill with it ofc),, just lmk its there (or maybe i should make smthn to check?? like a tag or a keyword or smthn) and i'll get on it :D interaction woo!!

**4th Period Debate Assignment [Inbox]**  
█████, ██████████ <███████████████████>  
to me, 35 others ˇ

To the students of Ms. █████’s 4th period debate class:

We will be holding a debate on Wednesday, Jan. 20th. As a way to ease back into the flow after Christmas break, you will be permitted to choose your own group and topics. It is not required to be politically based, nor is there a limit on how large your group may be (obviously, you must have a minimum of at least 2 people).

Choose amongst yourselves your groups and topics. If you don’t have anyone to group with, contact me and I will assign you to someone who is willing. As for the ones who do have a group- Email me your group and topic as soon as possible. Try to choose a topic you actually care about over something you think will be easy. You have a week to prepare.

██████████ █████  
Debate Class Teacher  
Fourth Period  
(PH): ███-███-████  
(Fax): ███-███-████

//

 **Re: 4th Period Debate Assignment**  
Minecraft, Tommy  
to me ˇ

Hello Ms █████. I’ve gotten my group together. It’s going to be me, Tubbo, and Ranboo, with the topic of loyalty and where it should be placed. We already have our stances and eagerly await the day where we can debate this.

(Ranboo had me add that last line. I think it sounds pretentious.)

Thanks for being swag,  
Tommy.

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

exiled dhmu: ITS DEBATE CLASS DAY

get ranboozled: LETS GOOO

naenaes: WOOOOOOOOO

traceur: HYPE HYPE HYPE  
traceur: WHAT TOPICS R YALL DOING. FUCKIN ROLEPLAY NERDS

get ranboozled: tommy tubbo & i are doing loyalties in character LOL

naenaes: lol me and dream are debating the ethics of timetravel and how we think it would go down if we were to actually earn that ability  
naenaes: i heard sap/george/quackity are doing smthn about the pet wars??? like if using animals as bargaining keys is ethical or not.  
naenaes: fundy & hbomb grouped up for a mock hybridity thing  
naenaes: niki, jack manifold, and eret r doing a debate as well, but i didnt catch what the topic was on

exiled dhmu: why do you know so much karl thats fuckin creepy  
exiled dhmu: are you a creep?? huh?? is that it??

naenaes: bite me raccoon boy  
naenaes: i just have a social life

exiled dhmu: I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE

traceur: your brothers don’t count tommy  
traceur: neither does tubbo since he’s basically ur brother too at this point

exiled dhmu: FUCK YOIU GRENE BASTARD  
exiled dhmu: ILL HAEV U KNOW TAHT I MADE A NEW FERIEND RECENTLY

traceur: uh huh sure u did  
traceur: he go to a different school? doesnt speak english and doesnt like showing his face so we cant meet him?

exiled dhmu: SHE LITERALYL IS INOUR DEBATE CALSS

traceur: A GIRL???

naenaes: TOMMYINNIT CAN TALK TO WOMEN???

get ranboozled: did you approach with “youre my girlfriend”

exiled dhmu: SHUT TUHEH FUSK OUYP  
exiled dhmu: I CAN TLAK TO WOEMAN MOST OF THE TIME  
exiled dhmu: I WIL ADMIT THE FIRST TIME I TALKED TO HER I DROPPED THE BALL BTU WE’RE GRIEDNS NOW!!!!!

naenaes: dropped the ball?? wdym

exiled dhmu: >:(

naenaes: no like i straight up dk what you mean by that, eggsplain por favor???

exiled dhmu: only because u asked nicely  
exiled dhmu: i’ll get embarrassed either way so whats it matter LOL  
exiled dhmu: she approached me first and i got so scared i couldnt speak bc a.) random stranger comes up from behind me & b.) pretty girl????? aa?????????? how talk

naenaes: oh i get u i get u i get u  
naenaes: i once told a girl i didnt know what wallflowers were (like the candle things) and let her tell me about them for like 20 minutes bc pretty girl words no work

exiled dhmu: SEE HE GETS IT

traceur: lol tommy cant talk to girls

exiled dhmu: I CAN JUST U FUCKIN WAIT BIG MAN

traceur: WHAT?? U GONNA ASK HER OUT ON A DATE OR SMTHN???

exiled dhmu: NO SHES ACE ARO U DUMBFUCK SUTPID SON OF A BITCH GET OWNED  
exiled dhmu: OHHHH YOU LOOK SO SFUCKING STUPID RIGHT NOW DMASK BIOY!!!!!!

traceur: damn. i got played

naenaes: L

get ranboozled: L

//

**Private DMs**  
**stupid green bitch — > lol loser got exiled**

stupid green bitch: i promise to not make fun of you TOO much tomathy  
stupid green bitch: ik i get annoying with it but i figure i’ll save you the stress lol

lol loser got exiled: i will hold you to that promise dre  
lol loser got exiled: i have technochan on standby should you break it

stupid green bitch: you  
stupid green bitch: you have what?  
stupid green bitch: TOMMY????

//

Tommy’s head snapped up from his phone at the sound of the intercom playing a stock bell sound. It was slightly screechy through the speakers, but it got the job done, seeing as how Tubbo was already up and racing to scrape out his tray while Ranboo was shoving papers into his backpack. Tommy, who hadn’t bothered to eat more than the sandwich Tubbo didn’t want, and didn’t feel the need to review their material for the next class, simply stood up and pocketed his phone.

“A little help?” Ranboo said, mildly strained, still piling papers haphazardly into the main zipper of his bag. Tommy huffed but complied, stacking them semi-neatly and handing it to Ranboo. “I’ve got your book,” He added, tapping three fingers on the leather-bound cover. Ranboo warbled out some kind of apology that was half-Ender half-English, speedily zipping up his bag and stumbling to his feet.

“Let’s go, Tubbo!” Tommy called, cupping one hand near his mouth. Tubbo tossed the now-empty tray onto the nearest stack and bolted back to his friends, hooves pounding over the grass of the courtyard. “I’m here!” He said as he barreled right past the two of them. Tommy caught him by the arm to stop him.

“Wh- Why’d you stop me?!”

“Your bag?” Tommy raised an eyebrow at Tubbo, a light smile on his face. Tubbo’s eyes widened as he whipped around and tore his arm out of Tommy’s hold to run back for his bag.

Tommy laughed boisterously, nudging Ranboo’s shoulder with his own. “C’mon, Tubbo can catch up, we gotta sprint.”

“You mean _you_ have to sprint.”

Tommy opened his mouth to protest, but Ranboo was already gone, purple particles floating gracefully down to the ground where he had previously stood. “Oh, fuck _off_ , man!”

//

Tommy, as expected, was the last one to make it to the empty Theatre room they used for Debate class. Tubbo and Ranboo were making a show of chatting with each other right in front of the door, neither looking worse for wear despite the fact that Tubbo had been booking it past Tommy in the halls.

“I need new friends,” He grumbled, tossing his bag into the pile of them in the corner. Tubbo snickered at that and gave him a nudge with the side of his horn.

“You’re just jealous that us hybrids are cooler than you.”

“Yes!” Tommy exclaimed, “Yes, I am, it’s so fuckin’ unfair!”

“Everybody point and laugh at the slow child,” Ranboo murmured, raising a crooked finger at him.

“Hah!” Fundy barked from the opposite corner of the room. How he even heard was a mystery. He was the only one to laugh.

“Nice of you to join us, Tommy,” A new voice piped in, “I never thought you’d make it.” Dream slung an arm around Tommy’s shoulders and drew him in close to his side, leaning all of his weight on the boy.

“Get _off_ me, you big fuckin’ oaf, I swear to God I’m gonna-”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re gonna start stabbing shit, you’re gonna get rage-married, you’re gonna bite me, I get it, I get it. Say, is your new friend you’ve made here?”

Tommy’s face erupted into scarlet. “Shut the fuck up!”

“Ooh, she _is_ , isn’t she!”

“Who?” Tubbo asked, jabbing the end of his horn into Dream’s gut with barely-restrained force. Dream wheezed a bit and relented, stepping back so Tubbo could start poking at his friend. “Are you trying to replace me, Tommy? Huh? Are you ditching me for a woman?”

Ranboo snickered and stepped behind Tommy, resting his arms on Tommy’s head and then his own head on top of that. “He is!” He chirped, tail swishing, “He’s replacing us with a girl we don’t even know the name of!”

Tubbo gasped and poked harder. “What’s her name, Tommy, what’s her name!”

“It’s, uh- Fuck! Clementine! Hey!”

Tommy tensed up a little bit as a moth hybrid began to pick her way across the rows of chairs to reach them, one hand waving wildly through the air as she kept her attention trained on her maneuvering. Two rounded yellow wings were attached to her arms, a single gradient black circle on each one, the one on her lax arm only reaching about to her waist. “Hey! Hi, hey, hey!”

The minute she reached them, Tubbo brightened up, extended his flower-covered hand for a handshake. “Clementine’s a nice name!” He said, glancing pointedly at Tommy as he said it, “Shame he didn’t tell us until just now!”

“You’ve talked about me?” Clementine asked, raising an amused eyebrow as she pulled her hand back from the handshake. Ranboo, still draped across Tommy, raised his eyes to the ceiling and let out a little snort. “He mentioned you by accident, yes.”

Tommy went pink again. “Well, I mean, yeah, I did-”

Clementine shot him a wide, soft smile. “Rad. Good things, I hope?”

“Oh, no, they were just absolutely _terrible!_ Awful, awful things-”

“ _You weren’t even there, Tubbo!_ ” Tommy yelped out.

Laughing, the moobloom hybrid replied, “Yeah, but the look on your face was funny!”

Clementine shook her head, unveiling two stumpy yellow antennae residing under her hair. “It was kinda funny. Say, what subject are you doing your debates on?” Sensing Tommy’s growing embarrassment, she made the executive decision to change the subject.

“Roleplay.” Dream cut in, deadpan. When no-one made a move to correct him, Clementine squinted a bit. “Wait, really?”

Tommy shriveled. Tubbo, quick to rectify the situation, clarified, “Well, that’s the oversimplified version- We all have this thing that’s been going on for a few years, we have some characters we get into and stuff, we figured we’d get into that for our debate since we do it on the regular, it’ll be easy since we know what we’re talking about but difficult because we’re using opinions that aren’t exactly ours, y’know?”

A pause, then Clementine was back to smiling again. “That’s sick, dude. Me and my group are just debating fuckin’ politics. They’re all nerds.” She cast a thumb over her shoulder, pointing to where a small group of three was talking in the corner. “They had already picked their topic when I got assigned with them.”

“Sucks to suck,” Tommy said, almost hesitantly.

“True!” Dream yelled, “True, any truers?”

“ _Any truers?_ ” Came Karl’s reply from one of the rows of chairs. He was completely out of sight, somehow, but the gesture was appreciated nonetheless.

Clementine let out a laugh at that and clapped him on the shoulder, narrowly avoiding bumping Ranboo in the process. “True, true. Well- It was nice seeing you, Tommy, but I can image my group wants me back over there. Maybe we can hang out sometime soon?”

“Uhm- Uh, yeah! Yes. Totally. Yeah.”

Clementine gave him a knowing smirk and took off back to her group, antennae flicking wildy. Tommy watched her go for a few heartbeats before whirling around and whispering, “ _Was that too awkward?_ ” Dream started laughing, _hard_ , and soon Tubbo and Ranboo joined in, though less enthusiastic.

“ _What?_ It’s a genuine question, motherfucker, I swear to God I’m gonna-”

//

Ranboo was nervous as _fuck_.

He wouldn’t say it out loud, of course, but he knew his friends could tell- He wasn’t exactly king of hiding how he felt. As it got closer and closer to their turn on the stage he could feel his tail start to sway, fingers tapping against his thigh in rapid tandem. Once it reached their go, though, it hit him like a truck. Two trucks, even. Maybe two trucks having sex.

34 sets of eyes all swiveled to stare at him and his group. It felt like someone had ripped open his skin and stuffed it with writhing bugs before hanging him up on display for everyone to gawk at. He swallowed, suddenly finding his mouth very, very dry.

It took only a moment for Tubbo to take notice of his stress; The moobloom hybrid slipped onto one side of him while Tommy unconsciously took the other, blocking the majority of the looks and drawing the rest onto themselves. Nobody knew of Ranboo past “the funky-looking hybrid”, but they definitely knew Tommy and Tubbo. The two were notorious for blatantly pranking the entire school repeatedly and still somehow managing to get away with it, and that reputation seemed to have followed them even into the crowded Debate class.

They took their places on the few stands scattered in a rough semi-circle on the stage- Tommy on the far left, Ranboo to his right, and then Tubbo two places away to the right. Maybe it was a bad idea, in hindsight, to attempt to hide right next to literally-always-screaming Tommy, but he had reasoned beforehand that the boy was taller than Tubbo and therefore more able to physically block people out.

“So,” The teacher began, readjusting her stack of note paper with a tap against her own podium, “What are our stances here, gentlemen?”

When neither Tubbo nor Tommy made a move to speak, Ranboo hesitantly cleared his throat and said, “Tommy is for holding loyalty towards The Discs, Tubbo is against retaining loyalty to them over his country, and I am presenting the third option of loyalty to people over objects or places. Uhm- I was also told to preface this by clarifying that this is- this is all in character, it’s all roleplay, we don’t- we aren’t taking this to heart or anything. It’s all roleplay. Uhm- Yeah.” He clamped his mouth shut, swallowed, and tried to rub some of the cold sweat on his hands off onto the podium.

The teacher tilted her head, curious, quickly scribbled something down, and made a gesture for them to start.

“The discs,” Tommy began with a deep breath, “Were what started this all. Surely, Tubbo, you remember the first war? The hours, days, even, we put into making sure Dream wouldn’t be able to find them? All the effort, all the love, all the- all the dedication we had to that? What happened, man? Where did all of that go?” Sometimes Ranboo would forget how good of an actor Tommy was. When it was just them goofing around, half in-character and half not, Tommy would break off during his serious lines to laugh, he’d throw in some light humor to keep spirits up- But when he was in front of a crowd, all that went out the window in favor of well-timed voice cracks and white-gripped knuckles and teary eyes. Damn, Ranboo didn’t even know he knew how to fake-cry.

“It went into L’manburg, Tommy, it went into our country. They’re just discs. You can get new ones at any time, we- I have duplicates, even triplicates tucked away in some of my chests! They’re practically worthless, the _only_ reason they have any power at _all_ is because you’re so open about your attachment to them! Shit like this is- Things like this- This _obsession_ is what got you exiled in the first place!” Oh, damn, apparently Tubbo knew how to fake-cry too. Ranboo kind of wanted to go grab some popcorn, but, alas, he was stuck in this debate as well.

“You have no room to talk, Tubbo,” He eased in, repressing a flinch at the way Tubbo whipped around to look at him, ears drooping, “You are just as guilty of unnecessary attachment as Tommy is. You both are antagonizing each other over _discs or L’manburg, discs or L’manburg-_ They’re both inconsequential in the end! You’re fighting over whether two pieces of plastic or some crater-filled chunk of land is more important and losing sight of the truth! You’re leaving each other behind in your haste to prove the other right, you both need to remove the fog over your eyes and see that you’re just playing right into _his_ hands!” At that, he exchanged a wide, sweeping arm to Dream, who looked rather startled at being mentioned.

Ranboo slipped away from Tommy’s side, more towards the middle of the semi-circle. Tubbo began to speak before he had even stopped moving. “You have no room to speak of _loyalty to people_ , Ranboo! You can’t pick a damn side! First you’re all buddy-buddy with the Dream SMP, then you’re our minutes man, they’re you’re running off with _Technoblade_ of all people! Where’s the loyalty in that!”

“ _I’m with Techno because he’s not a side!_ You’re all so obsessed with sides, my side, his side, our side, your side- Whatever happened to freedom? Whatever happened to independence and emancipation from the tyranny?” He thumped his memory book onto his podium and flipped it open to the marked page. He had come prepared for this. “ _In the union of the masters of men, together, we are one. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one to dissolve the bonds that bind us, disregarding this truth is nothing short of tyranny._ ”

Tommy’s eyes widened in genuine surprise. Apparently, he had not been expecting Ranboo to whip out the original Declaration of Independance.

Ranboo kept the book open as he plowed onwards. “ _It becomes necessary for one to dissolve the bonds that bind us_. Whatever happened to that, _Mr. President?_ Does your very declaration from your original president not call for the right of the people over the right of the king, the government, and the economy? Are you not disobeying everything you once stood for?”

Tommy whirled on Tubbo, receiving a nod and a step back from Ranboo. “Tubbo, he’s right- We’ve- The people matter more than the country, and this person-” He jabbed a thumb into his own chest rather aggressively, “ _This_ person wants his fucking discs back! I- The _only_ things that have stayed the same throughout these past months has been the discs! Wilbur- Wilbur was supposed to stay by my side and now he’s _dead_ , Techno was supposed to stay by my side and he blew L’manburg into a fucking _chunk error_ , Niki was supposed to stay by my side by now she’s burning down the L’mantree, Fundy was supposed to stay by my side and now he’s destroying our supplies just before Doomsday begins, Eret was supposed to stay by my side and you know how _that_ fucking went- And- And _you_ were supposed to stay by my side! You were supposed to be my right-hand man, my best friend, my _brother_ \- and you fucking exiled me! You exiled me from the only place that’s truly felt like home to me, and I-” He broke himself off with a choked sob. Ranboo, startled, made a small noise of concern, but Tommy waved him off. Actually crying was not in the script.

“There’s only one thing I have left to rely on, and it’s the discs.” With a light sniffle, he wiped his eyes and straightened back up.

A look of fury passed over Tubbo’s face. Had Ranboo not known the context, he would’ve been scared for Tommy. He briefly wondered how their teacher was faring, watching this go down.

“ _I could’ve been there for you if you hadn’t been so fucking **reckless!**_ I wanted you by my side just as much as you did, but you run off and burn down the fucking _king’s_ house, his stupid little twink house- and yeah, I agree! It was a shitty ultimatium I was given! Houses have been griefed before, shit worse than some arson has happened many, _many_ times before, but I wasn’t exactly in a place to argue! I was not going to lose our country to Dream just because you can’t control yourself! You’re so insistent that you’re a mature, grown man, but then you force my hand into _exiling_ you because you can’t control yourself for more than a week! Wilbur’s last act as president was to put _me_ in charge of this country, Tommy. He trusted me with keeping it alive and I intended to keep it that way for as long as I could! I can’t keep it alive if you’re making Dream build walls and keep us fucking prisoner inside!”

“Wilbur went fucking _insane_ and made you president as a distraction!” Tommy exploded, “He didn’t trust you with it at all! He just needed someone up there to capture everyone’s attention while he blew the place to fucking kingdom come! You weren’t meant to bring it _back_!”

“Both of you just _listen_ to yourselves!” Ranboo cut in with a pound of his fist on the podium. Both Tommy and Tubbo jumped, turning two furious gazes onto him. His skin was crawling once again, but he powered through. He was having far too much fun with this.

“You’re both so short-sighted. Tommy, I get it, you want something constant in your life, but Tubbo’s right! This is obsessive! But at the same time, Tubbo, you’re just as obsessive as he is! L’manburg isn’t about the _land_ , it’s about the people that reside there! In all of your tunnel-vision, you’ve lost sight of what the country was originally founded on! It wasn’t founded on- It wasn’t founded on keeping a grip on a chunk of land, it wasn’t founded on keeping a grip on your prized possessions, it was founded on trying to prevail against the odds! It was founded on, _and I quote,_ ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of victory’!” With a deep breath, he raises a hand, running it through his hair. It got caught on a tangle of curls. He ripped it out with unintentionally bared teeth.

“Instead of the pursuit of life, you’re insistent on pursuing two pieces of ancient plastic. Instead of the pursuit of liberty, you’re persistent on trying to rebuild on what, frankly, seems like a cursed piece of land. Or… Well, what _was_ a piece of land. It doesn’t seem like there’s much recovering it from what’s happened.” Leveling them both with a cold glare (forcing eyecontact against the discomfort), he said, “Widen your sights. Focus on each other and the people around you. Realize the implications of each action you make. And, just maybe, go get some therapy.”

Nobody spoke for a long, long time after that. He didn’t notice at first over the furious pounding of his own heart, but, as the seconds dragged onto minutes, he began to feel his hands shake, droplets of sweat trickling down his neck with a light tingle. Salty water didn’t burn as much, which, not sure how that made sense, but he wasn’t in any place to figure out his own biology.

“...Well,” The teacher breathed, finally, “That was quite the show, boys. I didn’t quite understand all of it, and it wasn’t very… professional, we’ll say, but I do appreciate the enthusiasm and your ease at meeting the time marks. Expect high grades coming your way.”

Tommy and Tubbo both grinned wildly, Tubbo sprinting around the flat line of the semicircle to high-five his best friend. Ranboo, however, chose to slump down, slamming his forehead on the podium with a lot more force than he should’ve. He groaned as loud as he could stand, letting his shaking knees give out underneath him, sliding down until the only thing keeping him upright was his arms hanging off the edge of the podium.

“You- you good, Ranbow?” Tommy laughed, dragging Tommy over to help heave him to his feet.

“Leave me to dieee,” Ranboo whined, “My inner theatere kid came out way too hard.”

“I think it did for all of us,” Tubbo whispered. “My throat is fucking dead.”

“Corpse Tubbo?”

“Gonna be Corpse Tommy if you don’t shut the fuck up.” The threat didn’t hit quite as hard, given that it was barely audible.

“Alright, next group- Karl and Clay! Please, come up to the podiums.”

“Oh, shit-”

The three friends scrambled off the stage, shoving each other the whole way down, snickering amongst themselves.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've had the og declaration of independance, the og declaration of war, and the og decree saved to my phone (word for word, typos included) since october LMAO. i knew they would come in handy one day.
> 
> im honestly rlly proud of this chapter?? as you can tell im an Everybody Apologist (cept for c!dream fuck that guy), i tried to channel all that in this chapter but my tommy-ranboo favoritism is showing p clearly i think
> 
> love all yall homies <3 /p /gen


	10. [get ranboozled: crack open the ranbooze]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmaooo this has NO PLOT AT ALL!! EVEN LESS THAN THE OTHER CHAPTERS i just felt bad about having not updated over the weekend
> 
> i rlly wanna write something for the recent tales of the smp thing... i cannot stop thinking about ranbob oh my god i love the concept of his character sm... and karl's new lore... and charles and cletus and benjamin and HEAD IN HANDS it was so good if yall know of any fics abt it please tell me
> 
> new character names  
> join the eggpire owo = BBH  
> daddy puffy = Captain Puffy

**Private DMs**   
**pet killer — > tomathy**

pet killer: ayo what book were you talking about that you said you got put in detention for

tomathy: uh  
tomathy: what books do you know about sapnap

pet killer: how to sex and how to sex 2

tomathy: OH BOY  
tomathy: GOOD NEWS FOR U  
tomathy: THERES A THIRD BOOK!!

pet killer: WAIT DEADASS?

tomathy: YES  
tomathy: U WANNA READ IT???

pet killer: FUCK YEA  
pet killer: PDF???

tomathy: NOT YET BIG MAN  
tomathy: JUST NOTEBOOK

pet killer: DAMN  
pet killer: okay be there in 5

tomathy: okay cool i am at tubbos house :thumbsup:

//

**miners**

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: TUBBO  
HUGE MASSIVE MAN: is it okay if sapnap stops by real quick

pisscow: tommy we r in the saem room  
pisscow: why in thsi gc

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: i am also trying to subtly invite ranboo

pisscow: ohhhh  
pisscow: big brian

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: ty ty

pisscow: yah sapansp can stop by

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: OKAY COOL

Ranboo: u could just… ask me….

HUGE MASSIVE MAN: OKAY RANBOO  
HUGE MASSIVE MAN: DO U WANNA COME HANG OUT

Ranboo: yes i will beat sapnap there watch

//

**Private DMs**   
**memory boy — > snap crack open a cold one**

memory boy: hey we’re racing to tommy’s house now

snap crack open a cold one: FUCK  
snap crack open a cold one: CHEATER

memory boy: lol

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

im snazzy: RANBOO IS A CHEATER CALL OUT POST

get ranboozled: ←  
get ranboozled: read my name  
get ranboozled: read it and WEEP

im snazzy: U BEAT ME BY LIKE 3 WHOLE MINUTES THIS IS SO UNFAIR

get ranboozled: maybe youre just bad  
get ranboozled: get good kid

im snazzy: no im not bad

get ranboozled: sure

im snazzy: this is bad @join the eggpire owo  
im snazzy: wtf why is his name eggpire propaganda

get ranboozled: he;s appealing to fundy with the owo

im snazzy: LMAOO

join the eggpire owo: o_O  
join the eggpire owo: maybe i am :3

get ranboozled: pain

im snazzy: dude now im all sweaty from trying to run

get ranboozled: hah  
get ranboozled: i hope they kick you out for smelling bad

im snazzy: i smell bad anyways ranboo idk what youre expecting  
im snazzy: these insults r kinda weak today whats up man you good

get ranboozled: i just got that neverending exhaustion yk  
get ranboozled: i sleep for 12 hours and wake up tired and then go right back to sleep but it fixes nothing so instead i stay up for 32 hours and it still fixes nothing  
get ranboozled: depression arc :flushed: ???

im snazzy: r anboo please

get ranboozled: lol  
get ranboozled: jujus on that beat

join the eggpire owo: therapy arc

get ranboozled: crack open the ranbooze

join the eggpire owo: RANBOO!!

im snazzy: HAHA  
im snazzy: OKAY THAT ONES KINDA FUNNY

join the eggpire owo: NOOO!! SAPNAP!! DON’T ENCOURAGE THAT!!

get ranboozled: chug chug chug chug

exiled dhmu: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG

i lika de bee: CHUCGHCUGHUCGHCHGUHCHGUHCUHUHGCHGCHGUH

get ranboozled: WOOOOO

im snazzy: LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

join the eggpire owo: NO!!!!  
join the eggpire owo: Don’t!! Encourage!! Drinking!! Especially underage!!

im snazzy: any askers  
im snazzy: did we ask

get ranboozled: okay but bad:  
get ranboozled: its funny

join the eggpire owo: ITS NOT!!

i lika de bee: u gusy r so mean 2 bad :[

exiled dhmu: LOOK AT WHAT U DID U MADE HIM SAD

im snazzy: luckily im immune to puppy eyes  
im snazzy: i can continue bullying bad

i lika de bee: k but r u imune 2 bees

im snazzy: am i  
im snazzy: am i what  
im snazzy: OGH DFUICK

get ranboozled: LMAOOOOOO

join the eggpire owo: WHAT HAPPENED??

exiled dhmu: TUBBO SICKED HIS BEES ON SAPNAP  
exiled dhmu: ITS A SWARM

join the eggpire owo: ...oh.  
join the eggpire owo: That’s unfortunate.

exiled dhmu: BAD??? BADBOYHALO??/?

get ranboozled: LADLKSDJFKKLSDF  
get ranboozled: KICKING HIM WHILE HES DOWN BAD, JEEZ

join the eggpire owo: [Image ID: A random cutesy heart-covered GIF.]

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

join the eggpire owo: wait why was sapnap going to tubbo’s house anyways o_o

exiled dhmu: HE WANTED TO READ MY BOOK BIG MAN

i lika de bee: ew tommy ur in th bathrom donty text in tehyre

exiled dhmu: hush tubbo

join the eggpire owo: ew  
join the eggpire owo: what book??

exiled dhmu: HOW TO SEX 3

join the eggpire owo: TOMMY!!  
join the eggpire owo: WHY WOULD YOU WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THAT??

exiled dhmu: ITS JUST BIOLOGY BIG MAN NO NEED TO GET YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST LOL

join the eggpire owo: TOMMY, NO!!!

exiled dhmu: TOMMY YES  
exiled dhmu: YOU WILL HAVE EXLUSIVE ACCESS TO THE PDF BAD BOY HALO

join the eggpire owo: NO!!!

exiled dhmu: HAHA

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

daddy puffy: NOT ON MY WATCH

_daddy puffy has changed join the eggpire owo’s name to Bad._

daddy puffy: ayo wait a minute what the fuck is my name  
daddy puffy: …  
daddy puffy: nice. i like it.  
daddy puffy: whoever made it hmu winky face finger guns

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

im snazzy: ay q i see that ur awake wanna hang out  
im snazzy: q  
im snazzy: baby  
im snazzy: honey  
im snazzy: @whips QUACKITY

whips: what  
whips: make it quick im rly busy /nm

im snazzy: damn only one l in rly… u must be swamped  
im snazzy: i wanted to hang out but ig just me and karl will have to do it :pensive:

whips: make it a sleepover and i can be there by 2

im snazzy: 2?? am???

whips: yes  
whips: okay i rlly gtg now lmk if i should stop by

im snazzy: IM??  
im snazzy: OKAY??? I GUESS??? LMAO  
im snazzy: @naenaes WANNA HANG OUT?? AND HAVE A SLEEPOVER??

naenaes: yes of course  
naenaes: name a time

im snazzy: like right now apparently  
im snazzy: q said he can be over by 2

naenaes: like  
naenaes: like 2 am???

im snazzy: THATS WHAT I SAID  
im snazzy: yeah 2 am  
im snazzy: apparently hes v busy but will be done by then

naenaes: i have a sneaking suspicion i know what he’s doing and if im right i will deck him right in the gut

im snazzy: damn shawty

naenaes: i  
naenaes: pensive  
naenaes: what r we gonna do while we wait

im snazzy: i will let u tell me about ur history things??

naenaes: WAIT RLLY  
naenaes: SPEEDRUNNING OVER :man_running: :dash:

im snazzy: he only loves me when i say i will sit and listen  
im snazzy: thats okay tho im the only man that does that  
im snazzy: …  
im snazzy: damn he rly is just running over huh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plugs my twitter that i made for this fic cutely... go follow me... or at least look at it... @anonymoushybr1d :].... i post whenever i update the fic with a little doodle (usually not related lol) and also i am just wanting friends. might start posting memes or smthn idk its mostly just stuff related to this fic (not always though!! there are!! sometiems doodles!!)
> 
> if people actually start to look at it i'll start doing.. like.. polls and questions and stuff for stuff u'd like to see. like what characters i should make an effort to include next or what concepts u'd like to see. engagement but with sparkles at the end.


	11. [fishfucker69: cat ears and a tail]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello this chapter is brought to you by me painting my nails while doing my school work and still not being over it and also by me listening to CAT GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE! on repeat
> 
> this one feels a little weird so im gonna add the reminder that this is not sexual at ALL,, its all a bit in a piece of gen rated platonic fiction,, id dress up with my siblings in maid outfits and cat ears if theyd fucKING PLAY ALONG WITH ME!!! thats a joke by the way i wouldnt dare ask until i had done it myself in private lol.  
> anywho yeah this is not meant to be weird so please dont make it weird. its just a weird ass family doing weird ass shit i will fucking turn your skin into a snazzy jacket and beanie combo if u try and make it sexual
> 
> im gonna plug the official fic twt on the top notes this time look at me spicin it up (@anonymoushybr1d) go look at that i post whenever this fic updates and i also plan on talking about other writing stuff

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

traceur: hey is anyone else just really fucking cold for absolutely no reason

exiled dhmu: it is winter time big man

traceur: first of all i never get cold  
traceur: second of all i am under a blanket  
traceur: third of all fuck you

exiled dhmu: minor

traceur: FUCK OFF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN

exiled dhmu: lol  
exiled dhmu: maybe i can speedrun you EXTRA BLANKETS

traceur: tommy no we all remember what happened last time you tried to speedrun

exiled dhmu: this time would be different dream

traceur: thats what you said last time tommy  
traceur: you nearly got expelled from school tommy

exiled dhmu: but it was funny

traceur: i cant really argue there it was kind of funny

get ranboozled: what happened im very curious

exiled dhmu: OO I CAN TELL YOU DREAM SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A MINUTE HWILE I TELL THE STORY

traceur: :broken_heart:  
traceur: my spotlight… stolen.

exiled dhmu: OKAY SO  
exiled dhmu: LONG STORY SHORT I BLEW UP THE CHEM LAB  
exiled dhmu: LONG STORY LONG I HAD TUBBO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS WHILE I GATHERED OUR MATERIALS DURING A LAB AND HE READ A 0 AS AN 8 AND ALSO A 3 AS AN 8 SO WE HAD WAY TOO MUCH OF TWO PARTS THAT VERY MUCH CLASHED  
exiled dhmu: LAB WENT BOOM  
exiled dhmu: ITS WHY ME AND TUBBO BOTH HAVE BURNS ON OUR ARMS LOL  
exiled dhmu: THEY WERE GONNA EXPEL US BUT WE WERE BTOH CRYIN AND SHIT AND ALSO BADLY AND PERMANENTLY BURNED SO THEY PITIED US  
exiled dhmu: WE RLLY DIDNT ACTUALLY GET THAT HURT WE WERE JUST SMART ENOUGH TO CRY FOR PITY POINTS

get ranboozled: why am i not surprised in the slightest by any of this

exiled dhmu: LMAOOO  
exiled dhmu: its just my reputation, it precedes me

traceur: damn didnt think u know what precede means

exiled dhmu: FUCK YOIUD!!!! BITCH

get ranboozled: tommy arent you a minor? smh my head

exiled dhmu: I FAM THROGUHTNIG  
exiled dhmu: I AM THROWING A RIOT

traceur: and you didnt invite me?? shame on you

get ranboozled: yeah tommy, shame

exiled dhmu: STOP THE PLANET IM GETTING OFF  
exiled dhmu: [Image ID: A low-resolution screenshot of Hello Kitty sitting on a bus seat, captioned in white Impact font text as “Hate it” at the top and “Here” at the bottom.”]

//

**sleepy bitches inc!!**

fishfucker69: hey guys schlatt has sent me vast sums of money to share amongst ourselves if we go along with an idea of his

actually pretty funny: i despise the sound of that. not a single word of that sounds safe.

hatsune miku: seconded

child: WHATS THE IDEA BIG MAN I AM INTEREST IN MONEY

fishfucker69: …  
fishfucker69: so u know those catboy meme edits we like to make in the gc

child: wait no back it up nope no no

actually pretty funny: NO

hatsune miku: UHHHHKGDFUJ

fishfucker69: SHUT UP HEAR ME OUT OKAY  
fishfucker69: HE HAS SENT ME 1K AND HAS ANOTHER 1K PREPARED IF WE DO IT + HE WILL PAY FOR THE OUTFITS

actually pretty funny: NO??? NO  
actually pretty funny: 500 DOLLARS IS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME TO DO THIS

fishfucker69: WHAT IF I TELL HIM TO DOUBLE IT???

actually pretty funny: you know what?? fine. since he won’t double it, sure, i’ll say that if he doubles it so that i get 1k, i’ll put on the cat ears.

fishfucker69: and the maid dress

actually pretty funny: Debatable.

fishfucker69: cat ears and a tail  
fishfucker69: and we paint your nails

actually pretty funny: ...deal.

fishfucker69: NICE  
fishfucker69: HE SAID HED DOUBLE IT LETS GO

actually pretty funny: BUT HE WONT RIGHT

fishfucker69: [Image ID: A screenshot of Wilbur’s PayPal account. Under the Recent Transactions box, there’s a green “+2000.1” next to “From Big Guy” and “Today - L’manberg”.]

actually pretty funny: im……………….

hatsune miku: I DIDNT AGREE TO ANY OF THIS KEEP IN MIND

actually pretty funny: father

hatsune miku: techno…….

actually pretty funny: ..  
actually pretty funny: daddy

hatsune miku: aHSUT THE FUCK UP LMAO

actually pretty funny: phil u gotta… do it with me… cmon it can be bonding

hatsune miku: we are bonded enough.

actually pretty funny: i will buy you some chorus fruit cakes from that one store down north ave.

hatsune miku: ...FUCK  
hatsune miku: FINE  
hatsune miku: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

child: hey wilbur can u make sure schlatt buys me an appropriate one :thumbsup:

fishfucker69: yes of course  
fishfucker69: me and phil r getting adult ones but schlatt has already gone out of his way to find some long ones he said to dm him and he’ll let you pick so ur comfortable with it

child: how very poggers of him  
child: yeah im dipping to do that have fun dealing with techno LOL

fishfucker69: smile  
fishfucker69: just remember techno you don’t have to wear the dress only me and phil do

hatsune miku: head in hands

fishfucker69: :[ do u not want to phil /gen

hatsune miku: nah its fine m8  
hatsune miku: just doin the bit

fishfucker69: OKA SWAHG  
fishfucker69: glamza  
fishfucker69: lol post it on the official twitter

hatsune miku: ...fuck thats actually a really funny idea  
hatsune miku: youre supposed to be the good influence wilbur

fishfucker69: philza i literally killed an entire ant farm in less than 2 hours just last month amd then had a breakdown and didnt leave the house for a week what part of that makes you think i am mentally stable much less a good influence

hatsune miku: okay thats fair  
hatsune miku: techno should i post it when we do it

actually pretty funny: family photo for the mantle  
actually pretty funny: get a professional and post them and also put it above the mantle

hatsune miku: FUCK THATS SUCH A FUN IDEA  
hatsune miku: my pr team hates me :heart_eyes:

fishfucker69: lol im not even allowed in their offices anymore

actually pretty funny: same  
actually pretty funny: they have my face plastered around the building as “do not let it”

fishfucker69: MODERN DAY WANTED POSTER??? HELO I WANT THAT BRB GONNA FUCKIN,, PISS IN THE COFFEE MACHINE OR SOMETHING

hatsune miku: WILBUR

fishfucker69: DUDUDUDU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a large google doc filled with potential lore for a god au in the dsmp universe but i have no idea what to write for it lol... like. i have 3 completed drabbles but theyre all under 500 words i cant post that shit to archive of our own dot org!!!!
> 
> im also running out of ideas for this fic so please give me ideas for this one and also for that au and also just ideas in general please grabby hands
> 
> ive started to get super invested in the sbi rust server please i already have enough of a problem with minecraft i dont need another video game roleplay in my mind 24/7


	12. [guns cock: It’s always been our reality.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW FORMAT UNLOCKED!! POG!!!  
> jokes aside this literally took me over an hour to write + format. which. given that the other chapters take like half an hour. thats A Lot Of Time for this fic.  
> ive used this format (twt in a chatfic) before in the past so its not TOO difficult to get the hang of again... but its still v v tedious. esp since i had to make it all from scratch again. pensive emoji fist emoji
> 
> IN UNRELATED NEWS, WE JUST HIT 10K HITS!!!!!! AMONG OTHER COOL STATS!!!! deadass when i opened the stats page it was on EXACTLY 10000 hits... thats so fucking cool i am so good at video games. as of 10k hits, there were also 399 subscriptions, 1015 kudos, and 333 bookmarks!!! those numbers have all since gone up BUT THATS STILL FUCKIN SICK WOOOOOOO
> 
> none of the twt accounts used in this fic are real, nor is the fake link i threw together for karl. the stats on phil's post, however, are shameless ripped from a dream tweet. look i needed to use realistic numbers OKAY HE WAS THE FIRST ONE I THOUGHT OF

**Philza Minecraft {✓}** @Ph1lza • 13m  
hey lol (gets my bones turned to dust by the psychic waves my angry pr team gives off)

_[Image ID: Philza and Wilbur are both dresses in classic black-and-white French maid dresses. While the image is taken as a selfie, making it bust-up, it’s noticeable that the window of Wilbur’s goes down significantly farther than Phil’s, who is to the right of him. To the right of Phil is Tommy, who’s also wearing a maid dress, but one with a very high collar, no window, and colored rather violently red. In the background, Techno is half in frame, doing a peace sign with a deadpan look on his face. All four of them have some form of cat ears on their head. Wilbur has somehow acquired paw-shaped gloves.]  
_ WilburSoot and 2 others

**31.6k Comments 42.2k Retweets 460.7k Likes**

**View Replies**

**Wiblur** @WilburSoot • 12m  
fun fact this photo is actually cropped and we’re hanging the full photo above the fireplace mantle  
|  
| **bri’ish kinnie** @nachoina • 6m  
| LITERALLY WHO ARE YOU???? HELLO WHY R U DFESSING AS A CAT MAID WITH PHILZA MINECRAFT  
|  
| **que || maid philza what** @queueueue • 2m  
| MYSTERY MAN HELLO SIR DO UR SHOES NEED SHINING SIR SIR WHY ARE YOU WITH PHILZA M. AND TECHNOBLADE HELLO SIR SHOUDL YOU NEED COFFEE????  
|  
| **Wiblur** @WilburSoot • 1m  
| coffee would be nice actually curse you for making me think of that. i am calling a friend to get me some right now  
|  
| **never finding peace** @ranboozlation • 36s  
| its me im the friend. pain

**TommyInnit** @WIFEHAVER • 11m  
i look so fucking cool look at me go. all the fuckin men are jealous all the ladies want me  
|  
| **TommyInnit** @WIFEHAVER • 4m  
| it is only after i have had this tweet up and gotten responses that i realized you lot wouldnt get the joke. the joke is that i LOVE WOMEN AND HATE MEN!!!!! I KILL MEN ON SIGHT I HAVE MY KNIFE AT THE READY ALL THE TIME!! I SEE A MAN IN THE STREET AND I JUST START STABBIN I HAVE S  
|  
| **TommyInnit** @WIFEHAVER • 1m  
| philza minecraft’s pr team is dming me so very much so i am turning off my phone for a few minutes EXPECT ME BACK SOON TWITTER!!! THE WIFE HAVER WILL BECOME THE MOST POPULAR ACCOUNT JSUT YOU WATCH!!!!!

**techno {✓}** @TheBlade • 13m  
i expect my payment in full by this time tomorrow, @WilburSoot.  
|  
| **Wiblur** @WilburSoot • 11m  
| yes yes i heard you the first 30 billion times, i only have half so far, the rest will come within the next hour or so  
|  
| **techno {✓}** @TheBlade • 11m  
| good.  
|  
| **exe-cute-d** @moderategerman • 7m  
| hey why has nobody said anything about how fucking fast technoblade responds to tweets. how does he type so fast they were like 10 seconds apart.  
|  
| **Wiblur** @WilburSoot • 3m  
| all he did was type the word good please dont overinflate his ego any further twitter user moderategerman

//

**Trending**   
**L’manburg trends**

1\. PHILZA MINECRAFT  
World-renowned Ender Dragon hybrid and End representative Philza posted a photo of himself, Technoblade, and two previously unknown friends dressed as cat maids to his official account.

2\. WHO ARE THEY  
Twitter users across the globe are curious as to who the mysterious new duo are in Philza’s latest photo.

3\. TECHNOBLADE

4\. WILBUR SOOT

5\. TOMMYINNIT

6\. DADZA  
A popular meme about Philza Minecraft involving calling him some variant of “Dad” has resurfaced once again following the posting of his most recent photo.

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

naenaes: WHAST THE HEODNKY????????????????  
naenaes: twitter.com/ph1lza/status/69694208008101  
naenaes: @Depression. @immortal question mark? @exiled dhmu  
naenaes: UR WFEKJD?????  
naenaes: ??sdfksdksdkflsdfDKJFLSD?f??sdf??ds?f?sd????

exiled dhmu: LOL  
exiled dhmu: TAG HIM TOO

naenaes: ABOLTSTULY NTO??????????

exiled dhmu: PUSSY  
exiled dhmu: @bravest man i’ve ever met FATHER MINECRAFT!!!!

bravest man i’ve ever met: TOMMY hello :0 :)

whips: WTYFD??????  
whips: KARL????? THERES NO WAY THT APHTOTOS RELA TIRHGT

bravest man i’ve ever met: hello quackity  
bravest man i’ve ever met: i, philza minecraft, am here to tell you it’s very real  
bravest man i’ve ever met: its actually p comfortable i’ll keep it on for a while longer

exiled dhmu: I ALREADY TOOK MINE OFF BECAUSE ME LEGS GOT COLD!!!!!!

Depression.: and also the internalized toxic masculinity from previous family’s in the foster system you've had to endure

exiled dhmu: AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT YES  
exiled dhmu: BUT MOSTLY THE COLD LEGS

bravest man i’ve ever met: yeah my legs are pretty cold too

traceur: HEY I JUST WOKE UP WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT IMAGE

immortal question mark?: george kinnie

traceur: SHUT THEFUCK UPPPPPPPPPP  
traceur: SERIOSUL Y WHAT

Depression.: you all have schlatt to thank for this  
Depression.: @guns cock tell em

guns cock: I was originally just trying to make Wilbur do it with me, but he said it would be way funnier if he got his family to do it.  
guns cock: Had no idea he was gonna post it.

Depression.: yeah well (fucking kicks you in the spine, shattering it instantly)

guns cock: Moans

Depression.: what you fucking like that???

guns cock: Would I moan otherwise?

Depression.: okay fair point  
Depression.: anyways  
Depression.: for the crime of fucking MOANING when i kick you in the now-deleted spine  
Depression.: i am going to kill you

guns cock: I’m so sorry, Wilbur.

Depression.: sorry isnt enough (i cock my gun and point it at the base of your ne

guns cock: (Tries to run faster, but my legs can’t carry the weight of my fat ass, so I just jog

whips: you know those scenes in movies where the character slowly takes off the sunglasses at a glorious sight and whispers "my god..." in pure unadulterated awe

Depression.: STOP

exiled dhmu: im gonna go fuckin bleach my eyes after that

naenaes: im fucking deceased goodbye

traceur: i did not need nor want to hear about jschlatt but with a monster dumptruck ass

guns cock: It’s always been our reality.

whips: its true i can confirm hes always had an earth shattering dumpy

guns cock: Thanks for the testimony, Flatty Patty.

whips: yknow what

_whips has left class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR._

traceur: no

_traceur has added me perdonas._

me perdonas: U HAD MY CONTACT AS ME PERDONAS??

traceur: I MADE IT LATE AT NIGHT OK

me perdonas: FUCK YOU

_me perdonas has changed their name to whips._

whips: and, you know what  
whips: while we’re at it

_whips has changed im snazzy’s name to jujus on that beat._

whips: there. now the circle is complete.

naenaes: the holy trinity

exiled dhmu: (un)holy

naenaes: why :(

exiled dhmu: twitch prime would not agree with you 3s actions

whips: SACRILEGE  
whips: SACRILEGE TO SPEAK AS THE MOUTH OF GOD SUCH UNTRUTHS

naenaes: OUCH????????

exiled dhmu: ITS NOT SACRILEGE IF IM FUCKIN RIGHT  
exiled dhmu: HAH TKE THAT BITCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end conversation of "points the gun at ur neck" "i try to run but my ass too fat" "my god...." is just straight up copy pasted from me and my friend's dms LSMDFLSDKF
> 
> i wanna interact with u guys more... other than twitter what are platforms u use a lot.......... and how can i get my grubby little hands on some social interaction.
> 
> surprise hydration check MAKE SURE TO DRINK SOME WATER IDC IF ITS MIDNIGHT OR 10 AM OR 5 IN THE EVENING!!! DRINK SOME WATER RN OR AT LEAST SET SOME KIND OF REMINDER GO DO IT GO GO GO


	13. [huuuhpu: steal family photos to use as ransom]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i wasnt wanting to write another irl chapter for a while but i started writing n this just kinda appeared so. sorry DMSKDFJSDF  
> i do enjoy the way this turned out tho, its a good filler chapter imo :]
> 
> dude seeing the lore summaries on the dsmp summary account is so fuckin nuts when u havent actually watched the stream SMDKJFS,, like i'll read a theory about what happened with ranboo in the last one and sit there nodding my head like "yes this makes sense" even tho i dont know SHIT
> 
> new names/gc  
> out with the old in with the new (purpled, tommy, tubbo, ranboo)  
> aeto = Tommy  
> aaar = Ranboo  
> EYATU = Tubbo  
> huuuhpu = Purpled
> 
> yeah their names were just me thinking "what sound do i think each character would make" and then slapping the first letter or two of their names at the end. tommy is ae. ranboo is aaa. tubbo is EYA. purpled is huuuh. i dont fuckin know either man im running out of ideas for good names

**out with the old in with the new**

aeto: hey does anyone wanna uhhhh ᵇʳᵉᵃᵏ ᶦⁿᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᶜʰᵒᵒˡ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵐᵉ

aaar: do we  
aaar: do we want to WHAT

aeto: my third period teacher took my ipod

huuuhpu: hah  
huuuhpu: get owned idiot

aeto: FUCK U  
aeto: I THOUGHT U OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO BREAK IN

huuuhpu: you misunderstand my laughter  
huuuhpu: i do want to break in  
huuuhpu: i just think its very funny that that’s the reason

aeto: OH YEAH???  
aeto: NAME ABETTER REASON

huuuhpu: steal money  
huuuhpu: steal family photos to use as ransom  
huuuhpu: kidnap someone  
huuuhpu: take literally anything that isnt already something you’ll get back by the end of the week

aaar: what is it with you and questionably obtained money

huuuhpu: i have a business to run ranboo.

aaar: the period makes that a threat, thanks purpled :thumbsup:

huuuhpu: no problem.  
huuuhpu: :)

EYATU: i consant;yl fear for my liffe when im w prupeld

aaar: same

aeto: ME TOO BIG MAN

EYATU: tommy

aeto: yea

EYATU: count me in

aeto: HELL YEAH

aaar: i guess this includes me too???

aeto: i would like to cash in my peer pressure card

aaar: ...i forgot you still had one of those  
aaar: fine  
aaar: i guess i’m robbing a highschool tonight

huuuhpu: what time are we planning and what time are we robbin

aeto: everyone in my house is out to a press conference the next town over so you lot could honestly all come over to plan now

EYATU: SWAG  
EYATU: boo come by & teleprot me over

aaar: no i want to be awake for the robbery

EYATU: o yah lol  
EYATU: prupled can u drive

huuuhpu: veroom.

EYATU: thanks :}

//

Three hours later, with all clocks in L’manburg reading 9:31 PM, the teens stationed themselves just outside of the gates of the highschool. Tubbo was running his hands through the cracks in the brick wall, Purpled was scrolling through his phone, Ranboo was anxiously zipping and unzipping his jacket, and Tommy… Well.

“ _Fucks sake-_ Why are none of you helping me?!” He barked, balancing precariously on the top of the gate between two decorative spikes.

“You’re the one that got up there,” Purpled responded without glancing up.

“You could still get up here and _help!_ ”

“How do you propose we do that?” Tubbo asked, feigning innocence as he dragged his finger up and down, up and down, up and down.

Tommy sputtered for a moment, almost slipping off the gate in the process, before jerking his head at Ranboo. “You could teleport up here and then teleport me down!”

Ranboo jumped at being addressed, thought it over, and shook his head. “Nah, I couldn’t. You know my teleporting isn’t very reliable… Plus trying to do more than myself makes me super tired. I’d have to go home after that. You’d be down a guy.”

“We’re gonna be down a guy _anyways_ if I fuckin’ die up here!”

Purpled scoffed. “You’re not gonna _die,_ Tommy, don’t be overdramatic.”

“ _Excuse you,_ I am not overdramatic! I’m just plain dramatic!”

“He gets it from Wilbur,” Chimed Tubbo. Tommy nodded in agreement.

“Why don’t you just… Y’know… J-Jump down?”

“...Ranboo, I love you, big guy, but there is _no way_ I am jumping down from this height.”

Ranboo pulled a face. “Tommy, it’s really not that high, I could probably vault it if I got a running start. You’re just a wimp.”

“Ohh!!” Tubbo’s hand left the bricks to cup around his mouth in a whisper-yell; A real one would’ve meant giving away their position. “Get his ass, ‘Boo!”

“ _Tubbo!_ You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“Yeah, well, until your side is the inside of the gate, I’m not associating with you. Woman up and jump.”

Purpled finally looked up, brows furrowed ever so slightly. “Wh- Woman up?”

“Tommy won’t let me say man up anymore, since he hates men and all.”

“Fuck yeah, I do! I-”

Whatever Tommy was about to say got cut off by him falling off the gate and onto the concrete below. Nobody moved nor spoke for a full, breathless minute before Tommy groaned and pushed himself to his knees. “ _Ow._ ”

“Alright, he’s alive, let’s go.”

Purpled pocketed his phone and grabbed the gate handle. To his companion’s surprise (and Tommy's incredible, _incredible_ frustration), it swung open. Once the right side was open, Purpled stepped in and over Tommy, continuing on to the front doors without pause.

“ _...SO YOU’RE TELLING ME-_ ”

//

Once inside the school, things got a bit messier.

Purpled was, evidently, not new to breaking into the establishment. He slipped between halls and interconnected rooms like a snake, dipping just underneath the sights of the cameras where he could, throwing up his hood and facing away from them when he couldn’t.

The others, however, were having no such luck. Ranboo was far too tall and too clumsy with his limbs to attempt any sort of stealth, sticking out like a sore thumb despite his dark clothes and hunched figure. Tommy was making an effort to be stealthy, sure, but he wasn’t very good at it- He kept stumbling into walls and his friends in the dark and tripping over his own two feet. Tubbo wasn’t even trying. He was strolling along the middle of the halls, turning to face each camera dead-on and grinning each time he found a hidden one.

“What are you gonna do when you get caught?” Purpled had hissed under his breath as they passed through a blank spot in the security system.

Tubbo had simply bared his teeth and continued onwards.

As they approached the door where Purpled has suspected the iPod would be kept, they slowed their pace until they were practically sliding, trying to make as little noise as possible. The teacher who had taken it, a (figurative) old badger who insisted upon being called “Madame” Crawford, was known widely amongst the student body and faculty alike as being possessive and hawk-ish, going to excessive lengths to ensure a student didn’t step a toe out of line. It was not entirely unfounded to think that she might be guarding the iPod right in that room.

“Alright- You remember the plan?” Purpled asked lowly, crouched down just below the doorknob. Ranboo, equally crouched but still where Purpled would’ve been had he been standing, nodded jerkily, as did Tommy and Tubbo, after a moment’s thought. “Good.”

Ranboo was the one to enter first once the other three had cleared out of sight of the doorway. They trusted that he would be able to teleport himself out and by proxy warn them in advance if someone were there.

The room was pitch-black and completely, utterly silent. Not even the ticking clocks on the walls seemed to pierce its eerie darkness. Ranboo, for all his hybrid-granted sight, could not even make sense of what might be inside.

“Purpled,” He whispered, making a grabbing motion behind his back with one hand while the other kept a tight grip on the doorknob. A night vision potion, hidden in Purpled’s regular water bottle, was passed into his hands, which Ranboo took a few quick sips of. He passed it back as the slightly-diluted effects began to fade in.

“...Okay, I think we’re-”

The lights flicked on.

“Well, boys,” Madame Crawford crowed, “I was starting to think you might not show.”

Ranboo jumped a foot into the air before teleporting outside of the room, the edges of the now-lit lightbulb’s light just barely reaching his feet. Tommy, startled by his friend’s movements, jumped as well, sending Tubbo and subsequently himself tumbling to the floor. Purpled watched on apathetically from his spot behind the wall, water bottle still clutched in his hands.

//

Madame Crawford had been going on and on about discipline for… quite a while, actually. She had started with Purpled, who watched on with a very unamused expression, then Tommy, who she decided to punctuate her points towards by shaking his iPod around with her wild gestures.

“And you!” She began, whirling on Ranboo, who flinched and raised his hands in the universal gesture of surrender, “I expected Grayson-” Purpled winced in discomfort, as did his friends, “I expected Thomas-” Another sympathetic wince, “-I’ve even begun to expect Toby-” God, this lady was on a roll with the names, huh? “-But _you_ , Ranboo? You’ve always been such a good child, why did you have to go and associate with these three?”

It was clearly a rhetorical question, but Ranboo, fed up with this woman prattling on about disrespect then turning right around and disrespecting his friends, responded, “Because you’re being super unfair? Plus, they’re my friends! They asked if I wanted to come and I said yes!”

“Well, technically, I used my Peer Pressure card,” Tommy piped in. Tubbo hit him rather harshly on the shoulder and shushed him.

“Okay, yeah, fine, Tommy used his Peer Pressure card on me, but I gave him that card, so it still counts! Either way, they’re my friends and I willingly came with, so if you’re going to assign them as troublemakers, you’ll have to group me in with them, too!”

A pause. Madame Crawford leveled him with a curious stare, one eyebrow raised, before giving her verdict.

“Alright then. All _four_ of you are going to report to Principal Major’s office tomorrow morning, rather than just the three of you.”

Ranboo deflated. “Ah. I probably should’ve waited to hear that before I said anything.”

Tommy choked out a laugh and gave Ranboo a nudge with his shoulder. “Don’t worry, big man, it’ll be _fiiiine!_ Mr. Scott S Major _loves_ me and Tubbo!”

“This is just not true,” Tubbo butt in, “We’re friends with him, but he definitely won’t go easy on us. Remember last week when we got sent up for getting into a fight in the boys’ bathroom? We haven’t even finished _that_ detention, now we’re gonna have more piled on with that.”

Ranboo let out a very weary sigh and flopped as much of his lanky body as he could onto Tommy. “Carry me. I’m dead now. So, so very dead.”

“Why _me?!_ ”

“Because you’re the one that got us into this. Now you’ll be the one to carry my corpse out.”

“CorpseBoo,” Purpled mumbled.

“CorpseBoo,” The other three repeated, nodding sagely.

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

exiled dhmu: i am literally the king of detention, i have it into next month  
exiled dhmu: i just want to change my fucking gc name please

get ranboozled: ue ue ue sounds of sobbing

exiled dhmu: STFU RANBOOB U ONLY HAVE IT FOR 3 DAYS SINCE THIS IS UR FIRST TIME

get ranboozled: i know right  
get ranboozled: its great  
get ranboozled: have fun cleaning the cafeteria, exile boy, i heard that the sophomores are planning a food fight for friday

exiled dhmu: UGHHHKJHHHKHJDFSKDF KJKL;K ;KL F;HKF JHD FK

get ranboozled: don’t slam ur head on the keyboard TOO hard

exiled dhmu: :middle_finger: !!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE GOT???? FANARNT??????? MEGA SWAG???????/ IDK IF THE ARTIST IS COOL WITH ME LINKING IT I'LL EDIT IT IF THEY ARE BUT I REBLOGGED IT ON THE ACC I MADE FOR THIS FIC WHICH I WILL MENTION BELOW  
> I HOPE THEY ARE FINE WITH ME LINKING IT THO BC THATS RLLY COOLDLFGJSLDKF
> 
> EDIT: THEY SAID YES I CAN LINK IT SO HERE IT IS   
> https://zoof-innit.tumblr.com/post/641790833879810048/yooo-so-i-readthis-really-good-fic-and-wanted-to  
> IDK HOW THE FCUK LINKS WORK ON AO3 SO I GUESS SJUST COPY AND PASTE IT?? THATS WHAT I NORMALLY DO SMILE
> 
> tumblr is anonymoushybr1dity, i plan on posting abt the fic there (and other fics if anyone would be interested) send asks grabby hands i have anon asks on and everything pleading emoji (/lh)
> 
> twitter is anonymoushybr1d, i post an update whenever i update the fic as well as a little doodle :0


	14. [whats an STD: 100 dollars for 6 dream screenshots]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise update pog??? im procrastinating school work so i threw this together... crazy how that works
> 
> i like variety in my a/ns so im plugging my tumblr & twitter at the top again this time!!!!! woooo snazzy!!!!  
> tumblr is anonymoushybr1dity (reblog fanart [still fuckin reeling that thats a thing i have now wtfff] and post other fic ideas n shit)  
> twitter is anonymoushybr1d (tweet out when the fic updates + a doodle every time)
> 
> u should go and at least look at it smile winky face,, tumblr has asks on (& anon) so u can ask me questons and stuff about the fic?? idk how the fuck tumblr works

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU**

exiled dhmu: so everybody knows about technoplane right

Fundy: I really don’t like the way that that sounds like it’s leading into something

exiled dhmu: do u think its possibly genetic

Fundy: ..  
Fundy: Tommy, you aren’t Techno’s bio brother

exiled dhmu: yea ik that FUNDY  
exiled dhmu: that doesnt answer my question thoguh!!!!!

Fundy: Tubbo has the braincells today, apparently

exiled dhmu: UFKC yoiu

i lika de bee: no i donot have themn fudny  
i lika de bee: i treid to eat my earbudd on acident

Fundy: HOW

i lika de bee: bag of gummi in 1 hadn  
i lika de bee: ear bud case in th othr

exiled dhmu: ive done that too tubbo do not fret my friend u are not alone

i lika de bee: smikle

exiled dhmu: smikle

Fundy: smikle

i lika de bee: Fuck you

exiled dhmu: uh oh CAPITAL LETTERS ooowaohhhh  
exiled dhmu: fuck you

i lika de bee: im a miner

exiled dhmu: THIEF

Fundy: We should really get back to the problem at hand  
Fundy: Tommy, you can’t Technoplane.

exiled dhmu: why not :(

Fundy: Think.

exiled dhmu: too difficult srry furry boy

Fundy: … You know what? Yeah, Tommy, you can Technoplane. In fact, you should try and go do it right now.

exiled dhmu: UR RIGTH  
exiled dhmu: THWNK SYFUNDY!!!!

i lika de bee: lol he cant do it  
i lika de bee: screenshoded the cnonvo  
i lika de bee: 4 da polise

Fundy: Shit

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: hey did u know that its possible to drown on dry land

Fundy: What the fuck

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: if u drink too much water u can over hydrate  
CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: like an overdramatic plant  
CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: same

Fundy: Did you just say same to your own joke??

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: yeah i did what r u gonna do about it

Fundy: cry

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: lol  
CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: thats hot

Fundy: HUH?????

_CAKTAIL NAEPKIN has deleted 2 messages._

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: nobody has to know

i lika de bee: i know  
i lika de bee: its in my blackmale pfoldr now

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: ...ur wot

i lika de bee: lol  
i lika de bee: i haev a oflder on my laptop called “blackmai”  
i lika de bee: yes its missing an L  
i lika de bee: it has many layers  
i lika de bee: evry 3 days i move it to my blackmaile harddrive  
i lika de bee: which i keep in a secrt box when im not usign it  
i lika de bee: & then i empty the folder on th laptop

Fundy: Tubbo I live with you how did I not know this

i lika de bee: :v:

Fundy: TUBBO???

i lika de bee: homework calls

Fundy: That seems fake but I don’t know enough about homework to argue

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: i wonder how much i would need to pay him to get access to that folder

i lika de bee: 50$ for 3 screenshots, all have 2 be from the same preson

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: wtf thats way too expensive

i lika de bee: i dont thin ku understand  
i lika de bee: ive had this folderr for YEARS gogy  
i lika de bee: peach person has ovre150 screenshots

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: i mean, i can respect the grind  
CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: but what does that have to do with your expensive pricing

i lika de bee: none else wil have the smee screnshots as u  
i lika de bee: i honsetlety wanna make em hightre

CAKTAIL NAEPKIN: absolutely not i am dming you rn

//

**Private DMs**   
**whats an STD — > dandelion boy**

whats an STD: 100 dollars for 6 dream screenshots  
whats an STD: then if i think theyre good enough an extra 200 for karl, q, sapnap, and bad

dandelion boy: hell ye  
dandelion boy: we need a relieble way 2 send  
dandelion boy: m not just gonna email u

whats an STD: uhhh  
whats an STD: put the ones i paid for on a separate harddrive, bring that over, i’ll check them, and then you can take it back and add the others if i like em, i keep the harddrive

dandelion boy: ur basd at ecsplainin but ok cool :ok_hand:

whats an STD: fuck off  
whats an STD: how soon can i get them

dandelion boy: i hav lots of spare hard drivs so like  
dandelion boy: tommororw

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

Fundy: Literally what the fuck is happening

i lika de bee: busisnes

Fundy: It should be illegal for a minor to have that much power

i lika de bee: lol bite me furry

Fundy: TUBBO????/??/ WHY

i lika de bee: fune

traceur: tubbo i would like to discuss a business deal with you

i lika de bee: ok swag dm not gona diskus in publick

traceur: reasonable.

//

**Private DMs**   
**trance msuic — > tubbo**

trance msuic: what would u recommend my good man

tubbo: normaly id say tommy/techno/phil but for rn i would sya gogfdy  
tubbo: oops thas a mess  
tubbo: yah h ebouht screnshtso of u

trance msuic: and youre just?? telling me that???

tubbo: ys if i tellu that then ull buy mroe to counrter him & then i can get urtryo buy some 4 other peoolpde too  
tubbo: bisness

trance msuic: dude r u good

tubbo: ye burnrs r just crampinfkj  
tubbo: hard 2 type

trance msuic: we can talk another time?? if it helps?? i dont want u hurting bc of me lol

tubbo: k but what if no  
tubbo: i want my FUCKFDGI ng money  
tubbo: buy buy buybub buubyubbyu byu byu byu

trance msuic: ok ok ok uhh  
trance msuic: how many did george buy and how worried should i be

tubbo: 4 u? 6 screennies. n very woried  
tubbo: i gave him teir 2s which r “not my absolute best but very very dangeorges”

trance msuic: you typed georges ladmsdfjksd

tubbo: ACCIENTD  
tubbo: n e ways  
tubbo: how many u want soi can pick

trance msuic: 6 as well but i will do 200 instead of 100 for ur cream of the crop

tubbo: god ur americna  
tubbo: u got ibig man  
tubbo: n e thing else or???

trance msuic: did george buy any more?

tubbo: yah but they rnt relevant to u so i am not elaboritng  
tubbo: u rlly dont want like? ethcno? phizlas miencraft??

trance msuic: ..i do kinda want techno ones yes

tubbo: ok good i have losasd of those he sasy a lot when ehs spleppy  
tubbo: n my sleep scheudlye is fucekdf so i suualyl catch ihim when he hastnsdt sleept

trance msuic: fuck yeah  
trance msuic: 150? 9 screenies, dont have to be good

tubbo: they will be relltkeative lyl niccec :0)  
tubbo: okshand hruewtz basd notw gona dirp

trance msuic: PLS DO?? TAKE CARE OF URSEFL

tubbo: lol

//

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

Fundy: Hey @exiled dhmu did you die

exiled dhmu: ya

Fundy: U need me to call someone

exiled dhmu: ya

Fundy: Wilbur?

exiled dhmu: ya

Fundy: Sigh

exiled dhmu: roeplayign fruyr

Fundy: Jfc you’re having a stroke

exiled dhmu: nojsut likelyk a ocncnonsusions  
exiled dhmu: fuckicnnt spell rn lol

Fundy: I’ll tell Wil to call an ambulance lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what kind of music do u listen to
> 
> also. tubbo's blackmail folder is going to come back later. idk how but it Will i just think its neat
> 
> can u tell im running out of names here


	15. [KING SHIT: i will kill you in an instant]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok some semi-important stuff!!! for once!!! in the chapter notes!!
> 
> life is kicking my butt rn yikes. i had to take my drivers test on friday, then i was GONNA take the ACT on saturday, but smthn went wrong and now i cant take it, BUT i do have to take the pre-ACT on tuesday, plus im super behind in my math and science classes in school,, there's just a lot going on atm. so updates are gonna slow down for a bit (as they have been). it'll probably just be two or so chapters per week now, which is still pretty okay, but there won't be another one for a few days, i don't think.  
> in addition to all that up there, someone asked me if i could make slightly more readable versions of the chapters where some of the more garbled typers (like tommy and tubbo) are easier to read,, so i'm gonna have to get on that before too long. that'll take me a couple days as well. yikes x2.
> 
> OK BUT ON A MORE FUN NOTE!! ERET IS HERE!! i dont actually watch eret nor do i have any sort of strong feelings about them, they're just kinda There for me,, that's why they haven't been here so far lol. but!! they're here now!! so yay for that!!
> 
> short chapter again sad face sorry bout that guys and gays

**class of ITS THE POGCLASS FUCK YOU SCOTT S MAJOR**

exiled dhmu: “world hard and cold. boob soft and warm.” i say  
exiled dhmu: the crowd booes in displeasure  
exiled dhmu: then, from the fifth row, someone speaks up:  
exiled dhmu: “he’s right” they say. everyone turns to look. its boob herself

ninki manjaj: Tommy..?

exiled dhmu: hello niki nihachu

ninki manjaj: Are you okay?

exiled dhmu: yes niki nihachu they have put me on so many drugs here at the hospital

ninki manjaj: THE HOSPITAL??  
ninki manjaj: What happened??

exiled dhmu: tried to technoplane. did not succeed  
exiled dhmu: wilburs here too say hi wilbur

Depression.: hey, niki

ninki manjaj: Hi Wil!! o/

exiled dhmu: ok backk to me now  
exiled dhmu: your attention. hand it over

Fundy: Hello Tommy, Eret says to tell you they agree with your titty statement

exiled dhmu: tell eret they can say that to my face

Fundy: Eret isn’t in this groupchat.

exiled dhmu: well we just cant have that now can we

_exiled dhmu has added KING SHIT._

KING SHIT: fucking finally  
KING SHIT: not including me here… disgraceful. you should all be ashamed.

ninki manjaj: :(

exiled dhmu: eret :[

KING SHIT: except for you tommy you didnt know and added me u are the only exception

Fundy: Ewet…

KING SHIT: i will kill you in an instant

Fundy: Hot

KING SHIT: we’re siblings goodbye

Fundy: NOT BIOLOGICALLY!!!

KING SHIT: ...and that changes it How

Fundy: it doesnt

KING SHIT: yeah thats what i thought  
KING SHIT: stupid alabama furry

_Fundy has left the server._   
_exiled dhmu has added Fundy._

exiled dhmu: no ur not allowed to leave until i get my attention

Fundy: No

exiled dhmu: you got me into this mess Fundy you have to deal with the  
exiled dhmu: fuck im still kinda out of it  
exiled dhmu: wilbur how do you spell it

Depression.: consequences

exiled dhmu: yes that thank oyu wiblur

Depression.: yeah yeah whatever

KING SHIT: not that i dont want to give tommy attention

exiled dhmu: ty ty ty

KING SHIT: but arent people with concussions supposed to sleep alot and NOT look at screens for a while??

Depression.: that sounds fake

exiled dhmu: eret how dare you suggest that

Fundy: No, I’m with Eret on this one, you’re definitely not supposed to be on your phone after a concussion.

exiled dhmu: fuck you ur just saying that to get out of giving me my rightful attention!!!!1

ninki manjaj: No, no, they’re right, you really shouldn’t be on, Tommy!

exiled dhmu: this sounds so fake  
exiled dhmu: ive had so many concussions in my lifetime this is 100% falsehood

ninki manjaj: Why don’t you ask Philza, if you doubt us so much?

Depression.: u think philza minecraft knows anything about medicine or health??  
Depression.: that bitch once got hospitalized for trying to fly less than 48 hours after he sprained his wing  
Depression.: he PLUMMETED it was hilarious

exiled dhmu: IT WAS  
exiled dhmu: he just.. dropped. like a rock.

Depression.: he did he did

ninki manjaj: Hm.

KING SHIT: wait i got this  
KING SHIT: @immortal question mark?  
KING SHIT: technoblade

immortal question mark?: technoblade  
immortal question mark?: let me read up

KING SHIT: the only man i respect. look at him go look at that i dont even have to tell him to scroll up

immortal question mark?: thank you eret it means a lot  
immortal question mark?: yeah tommy youre not supposed to look at a screen i Will call your nurse in

exiled dhmu: oh god please not that lady she is So Cruel

immortal question mark?: exactly.  
immortal question mark?: off.

exiled dhmu: yeah yeah whatever i’ll just get wilbur to speak for me

Depression.: no he won’t  
Depression.: he’s off now. nice going TECHNO now he’s gonna bug ME

immortal question mark?: you love him

Depression.: YEAH BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN I WANNA LISTEN TO HIM WHINE ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SNAPCHAT GIRLS

KING SHIT: L

ninki manjaj: L

Fundy: L

Depression.: oh fuck off this is surely some kind of hate crime

Fundy: What is

Depression.: a set of 3 siblings trying to bully me

ninki manjaj: I’m only half related, it doesn’t count. Don’t be a pussy.

Depression.: NIKI???????

KING SHIT: HAH

immortal question mark?: get owned idiot

Depression.: fuck off man  
Depression.: why are you bullying me ur not dealing with tommy rn

immortal question mark?: yeah you’re right i’m not

Depression.: damn if this is how cruel u are to your brothers let me just call up ranboo and tell him to not get to close

immortal question mark?: ,,ranboo isn’t my brother?

Depression.: uh-huh.

KING SHIT: i mean…

ninki manjaj: Wtf  
ninki manjaj: Techno, are you stealing my brother?

immortal question mark?: I DON’T KNOW IM HAVING A CRISIS NOW  
immortal question mark?: WILBUR YOU’VE MADE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING  
immortal question mark?: IS HE MY BROTHER?????

Fundy: God this family tree is only getting worse

Depression.: ...h uh

Fundy: Techno, my uncle, is now brothers with Ranboo, half-brother to my half-sister  
Fundy: So now Techno is my uncle AND my… like. Fraction-brother.  
Fundy: Which would make me my own distant sibling.

immortal question mark?: shut  
immortal question mark?: my brain can’t take this rn shut up fundy

Fundy: I’m just stating the truth, Techno.

KING SHIT: man it’s fun here. wish i got added sooner.

Depression.: is this just Your Bit now. you’re gonna complain about not being added to the school groupchat

KING SHIT: yep, exactly. you’ve brought this upon yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was listening to lemon demon's goosebumps the entire time while writing this can i get some goooOOOOOoooooosebuuUUmps in the chat
> 
> tumblr  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/anonymoushybr1dity
> 
> twitter  
> https://twitter.com/anonymoushybr1d
> 
> no fancy formatting on that bc im too lazy to come up witha funny joke to surround em. either way yall should come harass me violently and without mercy

**Author's Note:**

> ooooo you wanna leave a comment so badddd ooooooo woahhhh you wanna be incredibly secy and leave a nice comment and a kudos wooooooooo ahhhhhhhhhh ooooooooooooo
> 
> (anonymous because WHY NOT!!! now that i know how to put myself on anon nothing is stopping me)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [fun - an mcyt chatfic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29005704) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account)




End file.
